You Complete Us
by Carly Spade
Summary: It has been three years since Harley Quinn broke it off with The Joker for good and has been exploring the other side of the fence with Poison Ivy in Brooklyn, but will a run-in with the Merc with a Mouth throw her world for a loop or will it be love at first arse grab?
1. I Want to Know What Love Is

_**Part 2 of Series:**_ Only a Universe Between us - A CrossOver Series

Part 1: Let's Keep This Between Us - (Batman/Supergirl)

Part 3: Just the Scent of You (Wolverine/Catwoman

(Stories overlap one another - and do follow that order.)

Deadpool POV

I stepped out from the brick building situated in one of the darkest, shadiest, revolting areas of Brooklyn, thumbing through several hundred-dollar bills. I raised my thumb to the area of my mask where my mouth would be if it were on the outside, motioning the action of adding saliva to my thumb to make spreading the bills easier. I stuffed the wad of cash into one of the several pouches on my belt and proceeded to adjust my crotch beneath the red and black suit that was quite frankly, my second skin.

{Did you mention that you often _shower_ in that suit?}

"Honestly, voice…we just met," I answered.

 _Hey readers, I should probably clear a few things up before we continue. Whenever you see these { } they are referring to that looney voice in my head –_

(What about me?)

% And me! %

I rolled my eyes before hanging my head in my hands and then placed my hands on my hips.

 _Yes okay, different symbols equal different voices, but the point is that YOU, TOO, get to experience the voices in my head. Side-note: The author is NOT accepting any therapy bills for reading this story. Back to our regularly scheduled program!_

I had just finished making a deal with yet another power-hungry mafia crew that surprise, surprise, wanted to be the cream of the crop. In order to do this, they needed the only rival crew exterminated and knew that the 'Merc with a Mouth' was the man for the job.

 _That's me by the way…just in case you haven't read my comics or seen that movie where that super hunk Ryan Reynolds played me? Anyway…_

I don't often take jobs that cross comic universes, but when I do…you better believe it's gonna to be epic! This particular job resided in Gotham City, isn't that the Batboy's turf? I hadn't figured out exactly how I was going to get to said Emo-Town, but anything can happen, right? I walked past an alleyway and what I saw made me back pedal. I rolled my shoulders and rubbed my hands together in anticipation. Cross-universe teleportation could wait; right now, I was itching for a little action. It had literally been 24 hours since I drew even an ounce of blood from ANYONE, and it was time to _scratch_!

Harley POV

I laid in bed, starin' up at the ceilin' as I twirled my fingers around my bleached locks, specifically the side dyed blue on the ends. I let out a deep sigh as I turned my head to check the time on my 'Hello Kitty' digital clock set. I suddenly flipped over onto my stomach with a huff and cocked my head at the stuffed beaver that was sittin' on my nightstand, starin' blankly at me.

{Face it toots…you're lonely.}

My headed lifted up off the bed then as I stared on at the beaver in shock, not because he talked, oh no, he's talked to me fer years now, but because he said I was lonely?! What nerve!

"Have ya lost yer marbles, Bernie? I got Ivy now," I retorted as I pushed myself up into a sittin' position on my bed and crossed my arms firmly over my chest, making a pouty face.

{You know when you go into that same deli you've always gone to and get the salami every time because it was just something you preferred, but then all the sudden, you started getting the roast beef every time because you thought you should change it up?}

Here I thought I was the crazy one. Bernie had this habit of usin' these crazy analogies instead of just spittin' it out. Suddenly though, I got it. Score!

"Ivy's got some real nice beef, but yer right…I _do_ miss salami," I said as I pouted and patted the top of the beaver's head.

"You just _get_ me, Bern! Aw gee, now I'm starvin'!" I said as I leaped from my bed, throwing on my red and black hot pants, red and black halter top with the cute diamonds on either booby, along with red and black boots, and a red and black jacket. For a while, I'd stepped away from the red and black ensemble for a more 'cinematic' approach, but I always had a thing for the red and black combo! I did like the blue and pink in my pigtails though, so I decided to keep that.

 _Wink._

I sat in the diner somewhere in downtown Brooklyn that I honestly couldn't tell you where it was _exactly_. When I get hungry, I let my stomach take over my body and it leads to me to the promise land. The table was littered with a heapin' pile of cheesy fries, several hot dogs and two cheeseburgers. One of those cheeseburgers I was currently stuffin' in my gullet when a familiar seduct-o voice purred in my ear.

"Did you forget that we had a date, Harl?" Ivy asked as I looked up at her innocently, my cheeks resemblin' a hamster, they were stuffed with so much food. I attempted to speak despite this.

"Ehf aght!" was about all I managed to get out before Ivy rolled her eyes at me, pokin' one of my swollen cheeks.

"Honestly, Harley, swallow your food!" Ivy chastised as I chomped my food around in my mouth a bit before gulping it all down with a dramatic gulping sound. I smiled at her, grabbing a handful of fries.

"Sorry, Red…I did ferget! Robbin' the jewelry store, right? Some green stone thingy ya like?" I said, about to stuff the fries in my mouth before Ivy's hand slapped over my mouth. She looked around suspiciously to make sure no one had heard my loud mouth. Once her hand removed itself, I dipped my head lower.

"Sorry…robbin' the jewelry store, right?" I repeated, but this time at a dull whisper and then stuffed my mouth of the cheesy fries I had been holdin' onto for the past minute. Ivy stared at me as I continued to eat. I looked around myself as if she was starin' at anyone but me.

"What?" I asked innocently and she smiled and shook her head at me before placing a kiss on my forehead.

"I was kind of hoping we'd go…you know, now?" she said to me rather matter of factly as my eyes widened, leapin' from my chair.

"Right, right! I'll just take the wieners for the road!" I exclaimed, cradling all three of the hot dogs in my arms before turning for the door with a flick of my pigtails. Ivy reached across the table and snagged a single cheesy fry. I smiled to myself as I shouted over my shoulder to her.

"I saw that!" I said to her as she came up beside me and shrugged innocently before we walked out of the diner. We walked the streets as I continued to stuff food in my mouth. I needed energy for the upcomin' festivities, right?

"I need to stop by the pad to grab Beatrice!" I suddenly realized as we were approachin' the street of my apartment buildin'.

"You still use that thing? What about the machine guns, or your…fists?" Ivy asked as we stopped in front of my buildin'. I gasped in response as my hand pressed to my chest in mock offense.

"Red, yer my girl, but Beatrice was the first, and she needs to stretch her legs. Been collectin' dust!" I exclaimed as Ivy smirked at me. I grinned widely and clapped my hands together a few times before disappearin' into the apartment. Several moments later, I returned with Beatrice, the mallet, in my hands.

 _The author wanted me to point out that Beatrice…has been seen in many sizes and forms, but for the sake of this story, this particular version of Beatrice is NOT as big as myself but rather slightly more realistic. Wink._

"Who are you talking to?" Ivy said looking at me quizzically. I tossed the mallet up to rest on my shoulder, the other hand securely restin' on my hip.

"Red, how long have ya known me? Who do I NOT talk to? Let's rock 'n' roll!" I said and gave a little giggle before walkin' past her to head in the direction the jewelry store was. Ivy stood there still a bit confused before pointin' her finger in the other direction from where I was walkin'.

"Other way, Harl," Ivy said as I turned on my heel and marched off in the other direction, pointin' as I did so.

"Onward!" I exclaimed and Ivy fell in suit behind me. As we approached the jewelry store, we heard grunts, yelps, punches and bone shattering sounds coming from a nearby alleyway. Ivy's face immediately swarmed with concern, where as I got very excited. I immediately trotted over to the alleyway, despite Ivy's hands graspin' for my arms.

"Harley, wait!" Ivy yelped as I stopped in my tracks, starin' on at the marvel _hehpun intended_ occurin' in front of my eyes. It was a dude; well at least I think it was a dude, dressed head to toe in red and black, armed with two guns and two swords, going absolutely ape-shit crazy on a band of thugs. My mouth fell open as the mallet slipped from my fingers and fell with a thud to the ground. Ivy ran up beside me and she, too, stood there a moment, starin' down the alleyway before we both remarked at the same exact moment.

"Holee canolee, who is that hottie?!" I said, while Ivy said:

"Holy hell, who is that idiot?" She obviously hadn't been near as impressed as I was. I suddenly felt my shoulders being shoved backwards as my hands tried to grasp the handle of Beatrice to no avail.

"Harley, we have got to get out of here. That guy is obviously insane," she said as I shoved past her, there was no way-siree-bob that I wasn't goin' to talk to this guy!

"Exactly, Red! Let's see what his deal is, get to know 'im; oo maybe he'll let us play with his swords!" I said excitedly as Ivy let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. I bent over to grab the handle of my mallet.

Deadpool POV

I made my way down the alleyway, holding my hands out to either side and noticing that the would-be victims were two adults…and a kid. It was like a switch suddenly flicked on within my body, seeing that kid teary-eyed and scared. Adults were one thing, but do _not_ fuck with kids or animals, not on my watch! I removed both guns from their holsters and cleared my throat to get the thugs attentions. All seven of them turned to look at me, laughing as they did so.

"Who da hell you supposed to be, Fartboy?" one of thugs said to me as my guns lowered for a moment at his remark. I raised one gun to idly itch my head with the point of it.

"That, sir, was a _horrible_ joke. It lacks any kind of foundation. Were my suit brown? Maybe. If my attempt at a stealth stinker suddenly turned into a squeaker? Maybe then too, but to absently refer to me as a Fart? Well, now I have to kill you on basic principle, Dick-muncher," I said as I suddenly ran forward and slid on the ground past all the men as I looked up at the parents of the kid.

"You might want to hide his face…things are about to get real…bloody," I said as I watched the woman's eyes grow wide in horror, her body immediately draping over the kid in protection as they all cowered in the corner of the alley. I turned just in time to plant a bullet straight into the middle of Dick-muncher's forehead, narrowing my eyes through the newly created hole to the other men behind him. Bullets began to fly as I dodged...well, dodged most of them anyway.

{Still looked pretty bad ass.}

"Aww, thank you!" I said to the voice as I placed a hand to my chest in admiration. The thug that I was currently choke holding cocked his head at me.

"For what?" he asked confusedly and I turned my head to look at him.

"I wasn't talking to you," I said before unsheathing my katanas and slicing the man's head straight and clean from his neck. I sheathed the swords again before taking the head into my hands, watching the next thug aiming his gun to me. I quickly tossed the head into the air directly towards him as I pointed into the sky.

"Go long, go long!" I yelped as the man looked up at the head, dropping his gun to the ground so that he could catch the decapitated cranium. Once it landed in his hands, he yelped in disgust but before he could even drop the head, a bullet was planted in his skull.

"Nice catch! You should play for the Browns, maybe they'd actually win a game!" I exclaimed to the now dead body slumped on the ground. I raised the gun to my mask to catch a whiff of the gunpowder smell that I love oh so very much before the whole world stopped on its axis as I laid eyes on the most rounded, plump, and bodacious booty I had ever seen in my entire life.

 _If you want to know what this frozen moment in time felt like, including slow motion, listen to the song "I Want to Know What Love is" by Foreigner. No better ballad to describe this momentous moment!_

My gun dropped to the ground as my hands raised to either side of my face and I creeped forward to peer on at that radical rumpus. My hands reached up to form a firm grab on either ass cheek and I bit my lip underneath my mask.

"Will you marry me?" I asked the ass and then suddenly, the owner of said ass stood straight up with a yelp. The look on her face suggested that she was not keen on my newfound obsession with her nether regions, but what a face she had! A pale painted goddess who shared my affinity for red!

"Hey! Hands off, Buster!" she bellowed as a mallet suddenly collided straight into my skull. As my body slowly began to descend to the ground, my jaw undoubtedly broken, I knew with every fiber of my body…I needed a piece of that, like a Snickers needed nuts!


	2. Baby Got Back

Harley POV

I stared on at the masked, red and black man after I whacked his noodle full ah mallet, expectin' him to be knocked out cold, when all the sudden, he stood straight up, his jaw danglin' like petroleum jelly. I made a grossed out face as I reached a finger forward to touch the jaw and shook my hand as if I just touched a turd.

"Ewww ewwwwww!" I bellowed, stickin' my tongue out before I spun my form around to gain momentum and swung my mallet underhand style as it landed smack dab into the thug's chin that was chargin' us. His form flew high in the sky like a homerun baseball flyin' through the air. I raised a hand above my eyes as if I was shieldin' the sun's rays watchin' his body flail.

"It's goin' allll the waaaaay!" I bellowed excitedly, watchin' the man's body fly completely outta sight. I looked sidelong at the masked man who had been holdin' his jaw from danglin', but as he looked up to see the flyin' man, he let the hand go so his jaw could drop open fer a moment before pickin' it back up. The man still stood there not movin' a muscle as another guy began to charge with a knife, I leaned over to the man, eyein' his katanas and rose my eyebrows.

"Mind if I borrow dis?" I asked as he shook his head slowly. I grabbed one of the swords and trotted forward, smilin' wickedly at the man chargin'.

"Attention K-Mart shoppahs! All merchandise is half OFF!" I bellowed as I spun the sword around and sliced the man's torso in half, idly skippin' my way back to the man to toss him his sword as he was currently whimperin' like a baby.

"I…am pretty sure I just jizzed directly into my tighty whity's…," the masked man exclaimed as I saw his hand raise a gun past my head. Nerves built up in me fer just a moment before I realized he was shootin' the last remainin' thug, not even botherin' to look in the man's direction.

"Seven." The masked man spoke simply and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Thanks!" I exclaimed as he sheathed his gun in it's holster and shook his head rapidly, raisin' each of his palms up.

"Oh, no thanks necessary…I would gladly even lick sweat off of Wolverine's ball-sack if you asked me to, Sweetcheeks," the man said as my eyes grew wide and I cocked my head at him.

"Who's Wolve-,hey, wait ah minute! Whatdn't yer jaw just broke a second ago?" I asked, plantin' my hands on my hips with a pout. I then hopped backwards as I saw the family that had been cowerin' in the corner of the alleyway scamper between us, screamin' all the while. The man waved at them idly.

"Oh yes, sorry-,I got distracted, um, have a nice day!" he exclaimed before turnin' his attention back to me.

"Why yes, yes it was…but more importantly…how the _fuck_ did you knock that guy into Timbuktu? I mean, I don't know where the fuck he even _is_!" he asked excitedly as my grin widened, skippin' over to Ivy. I playfully put 'er in a headlock and pretended to give 'er a noogie as she shoved me away with a grimace, adjustin' 'er green halter-top.

"Ah that'd be thanks ta Red here! This doll was kind enough to gimme this serum that gave me 'dese guns AND- the best part…immunity to ALL poisons and toxins!" I exclaimed excitedly, flexin' my arms.

 _It's true! It happened in Convergence: Harley Quinn #1 of 2, go a'ead, Google it! We don't make dis crazy stuff up!_

"Harley! Don't tell him that!" Ivy chastised at me. That was sure happenin' a lot lately…jeez loweez. I pouted and was about to retort with a witty comeback before the man leapt forward and idly grabbed me by the shoulders.

"Did you-did you just break the Fourth Wall?!" he asked, starin' down at me as I cocked my head at him.

"You…you talk to them too?" I asked, completely perplexed considerin' every time I tried to talk to them, everyone just looked at me like I was crazy! I mean that was nothin' new but, this was surreal!

"Oh my god…let's do it together!" the man said, jumpin' up and down like a giddy school girl and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Ok 1…2…3…," the man began and then we both turned and yelled at the same time:

 _HELLOOOO READERS!_

"Ok, whoa…too much thunder. We don't want to scare 'em off…we still have like 12 chapters left of this thing," the man said and I put a hand over my mouth, stiflin' a giggle.

"I am _not_ going to ask her that, Voice. The hair on her head is clearly dyed; who has natural pink and blue locks?!" the man said, to who, I couldn't be sure, but it most definitely peeked my interest before Red's bellowin' voice shook me outta my trance.

"ENOUGH! You are going to talk now, Katana Boy, or I am going to send a tree root right up your-," Ivy began to say as I saw the vines begin to swirl around 'er arms and I leapt forward, grabbin' onto Ivy's shoulders to stop 'er.

"Red! Ivy! If he was gonna kill us, he definitely woulda done it by now, eh?" I said, raisin' my eyebrows to 'er. I looked over my shoulder as the man nodded vigorously.

" _That_ is a true statement, and my god, is that a neat trick!" he exclaimed, pointin' at the plants still swirlin' around Ivy's body and forearms. He then gasped, raisin' his hands to either side of his face.

"Is there-,is there a Chia Pet under there?!" he asked excitedly, glancin' down to Ivy's coochie. Now he was gettin' personal.

"Hey now, you listen 'ere, Buddy! Just tell us who you are, and what yer business is here," I asked, steppin' partly in front of Ivy as if to protect her, but also probably to protect this dude from becomin' a true tree hugger.

Deadpool POV

{Ooo… tell them you're Robin, that one that died!}

"As hilarious as that'd be, _I_ don't even want to _pretend_ to be any of the Bird Boys," I said to the voice as I made a motion to speak before,

%Ooo, no no tell them your _Slade_ Wilson!%

I grimaced before pausing a moment to explain.

 _For those of you that don't recognize that name, more of that will be explained later…consider it…foreshadowing._

"The name is Pool. Dead…pool," I said with a sudden British accent as I lifted my fingers to brush the underside of my chin, cool as shit like.

{Ugh, you're getting so lame in your old age.}

"And you're getting so insulting lately, seriously what happened to the…'Your ass looks great in that spandex, Deadpool', or 'No, your body doesn't look like a cheese grater went over an oak tree, Deadpool'," I asked the voices, but before they could answer, the high pitched melody of my unbeknownst beloved spoke to me.

"Pool Dead, huh?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest as I winced and shook my head vigorously.

"No, no. Dead…pool. Like what this guy is," I said as I kicked one of the dead thugs on the ground near me.

"Followed by the body of water that everyone uses as a public toilet; seriously, have you ever noticed how NO ONE gets out of the pool?! Gotta go sometime!" I exclaimed rather matter of factly.

"Alright… _Deadpool,_ what exactly is your business here? We've never seen you on this turf," the green lady said and I slid one hand behind my back as the other lifted a single finger to wave back and forth.

"Ah, ah, ah, I showed you mine, now show me yours before we continue this… _very_ intimidating interrogation," I said, looking between the two women slowly, starting to wonder if-,nah, no way. They were both _way_ too hot for that fantasy to even pan out.

"I'm Poison Ivy and this is my-," the green one began to say before the blondie shot her hand out towards me, slightly bending over as she did so.

"Harley Quinn, nice to meet ya!" the blondie bellowed as I tried desperately to cant my head to the side enough to peek a gaze at that bountiful bum. I quickly shook the cobwebs loose as I grabbed her hand for a firm handshake, noticing the look of annoyance on Ivy's face.

"Waaait a minute, are you two-, are you Scissor Sisters?" I asked, clenching my fists together, hoping and praying for the answer I so wanted to hear.

{Wait, is this actually going to happen to us?}

%There _is_ a higher power!%

"Oh I _love_ crafts!" Harley said excitedly as she turned to look at Ivy and I raised an eyebrow, in awe that she didn't quite seem to get the reference. It was actually kind of…cute?

{Ew, did you just use the word _cute_ in a sentence?!}

"Oh come on, look at her! How else would you describe that?!" I replied to the voice, when suddenly, Harley turned to look at me, bewildered. Seriously, her faces are downright adorable, almost as adorable as kittens…but not quite.

"Describe what?" she asked and I shook my head rapidly, waving my hands in front of me for extra emphasis.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm still waiting for my answer, ladies," I said, crossing my arms over my chest, looking between the two hotties.

"Yes…we've…dated," Ivy said without an ounce of enthusiasm as I saw a lightbulb appear above Harley's head. No, I mean I literally _hallucinated_ a lightbulb above Harley's head as I could see she finally understood my reference. She then proceeded to skip over to Ivy, hugging her from the side and cradling her head on her shoulder.

"Oh yeah! Red and I go waaaay back. Wer best buds!" Harley said, smiling down at Ivy as I raised a gloved fist to my mouth. I would have bit my knuckle if the mask wasn't covering my teeth.

"So, uh, you two ever thought of mixing a sexy, gun toting, sword wielding, mercenary with an ass for days into the mix?" I asked, bluntly running a hand over the top of my masked head as if hair were there. I could see the green one was immediately not game as she rolled her eyes so harshly they may have fallen out of her skull. Harley laughed as she playfully reached forward to hit my shoulder.

"Oh, Silly, Ivy has no interest in dah Bratwurst!" Harley explained as I looked down to my crotch and back up at them.

"I'd hardly call it a _Bratwurst_ ," I said defensively as I saw Harley lean forward to sneak a peek at my package before Ivy threw her hands up into the air.

"Enough! Deadpool…WHY are you here? Start talking!" Ivy bellowed as I pretended to look like a puppy dog that was being reprimanded.

"Alright, alright…you're so mean, Green Lady!" I exclaimed as I adjusted my belt and cleared my throat.

"I received a job to kill a rival gang from another gang….here in Brooklyn. Very unoriginal, but it helps to leave an open storyline for all kinds of kooky possibilities!" I explained as I held either of my hands out to my sides in a shrug.

"Ooo, rival gang killin' is always super-duper fun!" Harley said excitedly as she clapped her hands together several times. Ivy didn't appear nearly as enthused as she again rolled her eyes. She was sooooo serious, it made me want to gag!

{Now's your chance, Loverboy…superhero cross-over team up opportunity!}

"I wouldn't really call us _heroes_ , per say. Killing a rival gang isn't exactly-,"

%…just ask her.%

"Right! Harley…if you're looking to get your mallet wet, I'd love to have you tag along. I'd even split the earnings with you 80-20," I remarked, clasping my hands behind my back and idly rocking back and forth on my heels.

{You're an idiot.}

"80-20? Whatta I look like, Solomon Grundy?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

 _My apologies folks, considering you're stuck in MY POV right now I can't help with the background on this one, as I haven't the foggiest clue who he is! I'm assuming…a mindless one?_

Harley's POV

 _Yeah, super dumb! Came back from the dead…all brawn, no brain!_

Deadpool's POV

 _Oh thanks Harley! There you go!_

"Okay, okay, Blondie. 70-30?" I asked, inwardly grinning like an idiot at her haggling with me.

"60-40, and I get to borrow yer swords whenever I wanna," she remarked as I reached up to the hilts of either sword behind my back and began to stroke them like a prepubescent teenage boy.

"You really like these, don't you?" I teased before shooting my hand forward for an agreement shake.

"Deal. But only one katana, I can't resist a decapitation and it's a lot harder to do without a sword," I explained as she smiled and shook my hand firmly.

 _Psst…I'm not actually planning on giving her ANY of the money…I'm just trying to get into those tight little red and black booty shorts, so sue me! Wait…could she just hear that?_

"Deal!" she said as she looked over at Ivy with a frown as the Green Lady currently looked annoyed as heeeell.

 _Whew, obviously not...fistbump, Author!_

"Oh, hey, I was wondering if you had completely forgotten about little 'ol me over here," Ivy proclaimed as Harley snuck forward and gave Ivy a light hug.

"It's just some killin', Red…I'll be back before ya know it!" Harley said as Ivy placed a hand on either one of Harley's shoulders and lightly pushed her back.

"Harley, you and I both know this isn't just about killing. I'm not stupid…," Ivy said as she suddenly leaned forward and proceeded to whisper something into Harley's ear. I leaned forward, almost to the point I fell forward on my face, straining to hear. Motherfucker! Super human healing but the hearing ability of Helen Keller?! I stood straight up and pretended to pick goo off my gloves as I saw Harley walking towards me as Ivy walked in the other direction.

"Trouble in paradise?" I asked, raising my eyebrows as Harley idly twirled one of her pigtails around her finger. She made a 'Pfft' sound with her mouth as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Somethin' like that. So, where is this other gang, Poolarooney?" she asked and I cocked my head at the new nickname she just developed for me. She was also unique and creative, what _wasn't_ she?!

"Poolarooney…I like it. Um, well, here's the thing…it's actually in Gotham City," I remarked as I saw Harley's face grow even paler then her already bleach pale skin…note to self…ask her how the hell she _is_ that pale at some point.

"Sssssomething wrong with Gotham City?" I asked her, canting my head, awaiting a response.

"Naw, I just-, a crazy ex lives there," she remarked and I put my hands on my hips.

"Well, how crazy are we talkin' here, like…my kind of crazy, or Charles Manson kinda crazy?" I asked, trying to develop the certain levels of craziness in the world.

"Um, both?" she said with a grimaced face and my hands leapt to my head, squeezing it.

"Jesus! That's crazy!" I said, starting to wonder if this job was worth running into a Deadpool version of Charles Manson…I mean mother of god! Can you imagine?!

"Last I checked, he was still locked up in Arkham though; so it shouldn't be a big deal," she said.

 _Spoiler alert! Any time anyone says ANYTHING like this in any story ever…it is a sure bet the opposite is going to happen, but I'll play like the good protagonist that I am._

"Oh, well, good…problem solved then, huh!? There's just one tiny little detail…I have no idea how to actually _get_ there. You know the whole, varying comic universes and all?" I remarked as Harley giggled and put her hands on her hips.

"Oh that one's easy! All we gotta do is move to dah next chapter and POOF! Wer in Gotham City," Harley exclaimed and I did a much needed 'face palm' to my forehead. Bad Deadpool.

"Well, duh! Why didn't I think of that?!" I remarked as I looked up to the skies.

"Author? Now would be a great time for a new chapter!" I bellowed before Harley's hands shot up in desperation.

"WAAAAAIT!" she bellowed and my head shot back down to look at her, taking a small jump backward in shock.

"Having second thoughts? Do I smell?" I asked, lifting my arms up to take a good whiff of my pits. Smells like the normal Suavitel to me! Honestly, it is the most delightful, concentrated, everlasting scent ever!

"I need tah grab Bernie before we leave. I can't leave 'im in anothah universe!" she exclaimed and I looked around me as if 'Bernie' would hop out of nowhere.

"Is that a…dog or something?" I asked as she shook her head vigorously.

"I'll be right back!" she said, trotting off. Oooo, I like it, a sentence to sentence time shift by using words like, 'moments' or 'seconds'.

Moments later…

 _HA!_

Harley returned with what appeared to be a stuffed….beaver?

"This 'ere is my pal, Bernie! Say hello, Bern!" Harley said excitedly as I stared at the stuffed animal, expecting it to actually speak to me.

"Oh, Bern…be nice, this is and wer gonna go have lots 'o fun!" Harley said as if the beaver had in fact spoken to her…did she have voices in her head too?

{We are so much cooler, though. We don't need a stuffed rodent to talk to you.}

"Shhh," I said to the voice.

"Harley, I would absolutely _love_ to pet your Beaver; may I?" I asked as she nodded vigorously in agreement.

 _The first of many, folks…the first of many._


	3. Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe

Deadpool POV

I whipped my head around frantically as I reviewed the skyscrapers surrounding us. I rubbed my arms as if a cold chill just passed over me, narrowing my eyes at each of the gargoyles that seemed to catch my gaze.

"Fuck! You weren't kidding! I don't even remember how we got here!" I exclaimed as Harley rested the mallet on her shoulder with one hand and placed her other hand on her hip, looking around at obvious familiar territory.

"Ee-yup! Told ya! Just needed a chapter change, and presto change-o wer in Gotham!" she said as I rubbed the back of my head, trying to recall that period between chapters and was completely drawing a blank.

{Heeeey weren't we about to pet Harley's Beaver?}

I stepped over to Harley, idly running a single index finger over the head of the stuffed beaver named Bernie, imagining that it was another object entirely before Harley's eloquent high-pitched voice startled me out of my daydream.

"So, Poolboy…where to? This is yer shin dig!" Harley bellowed, clutching the beaver closer to her body a little possessively. I nonchalantly placed a forearm on Harley's shoulder and leaned all suave-like as I cleared my throat.

"Oh Harley, I'll clean out your filter…anytime." I said in reference to her calling me 'Poolboy' as I watched her eyebrows furrow. She lifted the mallet and quickly nudged my forearm from her shoulder with a pout.

"Boundaries, Buddy," she said as I frowned behind my mask, placing a hand on my chest in mock offense.

{She does NOT know what she is missing!}

%Yeah it is HUGE!%

{Yeah-wait, what are we talking about?}

"Well, I was thinkin' we could check out the art museum, pet the kittens at the local animal shelter, maybe get in some skeeball, ooooh, know of any good taco stands?!" I rambled as a single eyebrow rose from Harley as I stammered on, until I got to the taco stand part and her face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Tacos?! Oh I'm starvin'! I love me some tacos!" she revealed. I paused a moment to look at the readers.

 _Clearly._

%Oooh because she muff-dived Ivy, right? Right?%

{…yes, would you like a cookie?}

%Uh, yes!%

Harley turned on her heel and almost started trotting in the opposite direction, so quickly in fact, that I had to shake my head to detract from the current conversation happening in my cranium.

"Hey! Wait up you Crazy Carnivore-ess!" I bellowed as I ran to catch up with her before we rounded a corner and the neon lights displaying the immortal words of 'Chimichangas' came into view. I put a hand on either side of my face and squealed like a little girl.

"Chim-ee-chan-gah…hmm, I ain't ever 'ad those before!" I heard Harley admit as my head did a double take. We just couldn't have that could we?!

"Oh, my dear, you simply have not _lived_! Prepare to have an orgasm in your MOUTH!" I shouted excitedly, outright throwing an uncounted amount of bills at the taco stand worker as I grabbed both of the precious chimichangas, contemplating for but a moment in eating both of them and being the greedy sort that I am.

{Yeah, because denying a starving woman of food would get you in her pants.}

Begrudgingly, I held out one of the Mexican miracles to Harley with a sigh. I lifted my own to my mask, realizing that I'd have to lift it up to actually enjoy the intoxicating smell that was filling my nostrils. I turned my back to her for but a moment to lift the mask up and shoved the entire thing in my mouth. I turned back around to face her, my mask harboring a few more bumps now that my cheeks were full of chimichanga. What I saw when I turned back created instant wood within my britches…was she singing a 70's love ballad _to_ her chimichanga?!

Harley's POV

As I had told Poolaroney, I never had the pleasures of a chimichanga in my mouth and he seemed pretty into them, so I figured they had to be somewhat tasty, right? Words could not even begin to prepare me for the elixir eruptin' in my mouth as I bit into my first chimichanga experience and the whole world seemed to evaporate. It was only me and Mr. Changa and I was under his spell. I stared down at the cheesy treat and unabashedly sang to it,

"My darling, I can't get enough of your love, babe. Changa, I don't know, I don't know why …can't get enough of your love, babe."

{Um, Harley…you got something on your leg.}

I suddenly heard Bernie sayin' tah me as I opened my eyes and looked down to see Deadpool goin' to town like a basset hound on my leg. I shook him off me rapidly, bonkin' him on the top of the head with my mallet.

"Hey, Poolpoop, no freebies!" I yelp as I saw him holdin' his head from my noggin' knockin'. He shook his head rapidly as if shakin' the dizziness away and stared at me for a bit.

"Were you seriously just singing that delightful yet soulful Barry White serenade to your…chimichanga, my delirious damsel?" Deadpool asked as he canted his head at me and looked from the chimichanga and back up to my face in interest.

{You should hear her in the shower…nothing but 70's love ballads!}

"Ha, Bern, I don't think bringin' up the subject of me showerin' is the best timin', givin' the current circumstances…," I said to my stuffed beaver as Deadpool held his hands up as if to ask me to stop in my tracks.

"Wait, what now? What is this about you and your beaver in a shower?" he asked and I rolled my eyes with a giggle.

"No, Silly…Bern was just sayin' that I _always_ sing 70's love ballads in the showah, dat's all," I retorted as I hugged the beaver closer to my chest.

"You're stuck in the 70's, I'm stuck in the 80's…two decades butt to butt!" Deadpool said as he idly booty bumped his rear end into my own, which made me trot forward a few steps. Suddenly, I felt a familiar chill run up my spine as a figure emerged from the shadows. Seriously, folks you _never_ hear this guy comin' it's like he's a ninja or somethin'! Good 'ol Batsy emerged from the shadows and I couldn't really be surprised; wasn't much that could get past the Bat's ears in his own city.

"Harley…it's been awhile," Batman spoke in his low, rumbly voice.

"THAT'S the Batman?!" Deadpool bellowed as a hand pointed in Batman's direction.

"Uh-huh, Batsy and I go way back, in't that right, Bats?" I said as I idly attempted to hide the mallet behind my back, as if the head of it wouldn't be peerin' around either side of my noggin.

"Who's this clown?" Batman spoke as I turned my head to see Deadpool shake his head in a grimace. He raised a single finger up in the air as if he were about to comment and then changed his mind.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that because you seem like a square cut kinda guy, Bats….but Deadpool's the name, and killin' is my-,"Deadpool began to say as I idly shook my head back and forth, my eyes widened, tryin' to throw him the hint of ix-nay on the mercenary bit-ey. He looked over at me and changed his wordin' mid-sentence.

"…is my, uh, my previous life, but I am turning a new leaf! In fact, I was thinking of living a life like Wolverine, all mysterious and illusive. Is he a hero? Is he misunderstood? Tune in next week for more confusing acts of disgruntlement!" Deadpool exclaimed, spannin' his arms in the air in front of him as if announcin' a headline.

{What a tool.}

I shook Bernie slightly as I shoved him to behind my back with a grimace. I didn't want to hear his smart ass remarks, especially considerin' that I was kind of enjoyin' watchin' Poolarooney try to talk circles around the Bat! Batman stared on at Deadpool fer a moment as if he were a squirmy worm on a dissection table that he couldn't pin down to examine its guts. He then glanced over at me, crossin' his arms over his manly Bat-chest.

"Here I thought you talked a lot…and who is Wolverine?" Batman asked as he glanced between the two of us. My fingers played at the handle of my mallet as I left out a bit of a nervous giggle. That giggle came out a lil' more nervous then I'd hoped. I hated that Batsy was so damn perceptive!

"No mattah, Batsy…what brings ya to, uh, our lovely alleyway?" I said as I looked around, an odd green fog engulfin' us. There always seemed to be the oddest colored fog in Gotham.

{You are so busted.}

I shoved the face of the beaver into my back as if that would muffle him from talkin' tah me. Batman canted his head at me and I thought, oh boy, 'ere it comes…back to Arkham I go! Can't a girl ever catch a break?!

"What are you two doing here, Harley?" Batsy said without flinching. I stared on at him wide eyed as Deadpool decided at the worse possible moment to interject.

"Well, we were just enjoying some delightful Chimichangas, have you had them? You seem more of bean burrito kinda guy; they have those too!" Deadpool chimed before he turned on his heel and started to do a creep walk as if he were tryin' to sneak away. Batman launched a ranga thingy at Deadpool to let him know he saw him without lookin' away from me, which made Deadpool stop in his tracks and do a double take.

"What the fu-,where did you pull that out of?!" Deadpool said as he scanned Batman's uniform, eyeballin' the utility belt with curiosity.

"Awww, you've got way more belt thingys then I do…and I use mine mostly for snacks and bullets…," Deadpool said as I again widened my eyes and idly shook my head at him. He noticed this and popped open one of the compartments on his belt pullin' out somethin'.

"Did I say bullets? I meant Pog…do you remember those or am I completely aging myself right now?" Deadpool said as he idly held a small round piece of cardboard between his fingers. I stared at his hand for a moment tryin' to see the 'Pog' before Batman yelled and snapped me back to the present.

"Harley!" Bats bellowed as I scrunched my nose at him.

"We're here to take outta rival gang, a'right?!" I stammered, stickin' out, my lower lip in a pout, knowin' he was about to completely ruin our fun.

"What…gang?" Bats asked as Deadpool cleared his throat.

"Carboozy, Carducci…somethin' like that. Names are but a label is what I say…I mean, am I right…Bat…man…?" Deadpool answered as he used a hand to reference Batsy's cowl with the prominent pointy ears.

"Where are you from, Deadpool?" Batman asked as he started to take a few steps toward Pooley.

"Canada. Well, I mean originally, but currently I have a lovely cardboard box of an infested apartment I call home in Queens. You should stop by, have a cup of tea?" Deadpool said as he and Bats now stood toe to toe, starin' at each other through their masks.

"Ooo…you are absolutely _brooding_ , and your mask has a scowl _built in_ , that's just savvy!" Deadpool said as he moved his face closer to Batsy's their noses almost touchin'. Bats let out a lil' growl as he turned from Deadpool and looked back tah me.

"I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, Harley. Just this once as I won't object to a little…help with cleaning up the streets. However, absolutely NO killing…and I mean it," Batman scowled as he stared on at me, pointin' a fingah at me to further clarify his conviction.

"Absolutely, Batsy…completely understandable. NO killin'," I said crossin' my fingahs behind my back because let's be real boils and germs, no killin' ain't my style! Deadpool threw his hands out to the side in a shrug shakin' his head at me in protest. Batman looked over his shoulder at Deadpool and he pretended to be lookin' at somethin' randomly in the air rather than protestin' to me about no killin'.

"How is Blondie Supes by the way? You guys are totally hot together!" I said, my face brightenin'.

 _Readers, some of you may be goin'…wait what? Supergirl and Batman? Since when did that happen? It happened in the first story to this series, 'Let's Keep This Between Us'…ain't near as good as this story o'course but it ain't too bad! Wink._

"Are you talking to that stuffed beaver again?" Batman asked as I quickly used it as an excuse to get around the fact that I just broke the fourth wall in fronta him.

"Yes. Yes, I was. He says 'Hello!',"I lied, shovin' the beaver's mouth further into my back.

{I didn't say no such thing to that broot!}

Bats eyed me curiously and simply shook his head.

"Supergirl is fine, Harley. Remember what I said…NO killing, and keep your new 'friend' here in line," Bats said as he referenced Deadpool behind him with his thumb.

"Ooo, will there be a whip, Harley? A little S&M never hurt anyone, am I right?!" Deadpool exclaimed as he put a hand on Batsy's shoulder, leanin' on him as if they were best buds. Suddenly, Batsy lifted his fist and sucker punched Deadpool straight in the face, launchin' him into a nearby wall. My eyes widened as I looked from Batsy to the groanin' slump of a body that was Deadpool on the ground.

"Remember what I said Harley…and conveniently, I'll be aloof to all that you and Deadpool are doing for the remainder of the story," Batman said before he shot his grapplin' hook into the sky and launched outta sight.

 _Okay, okay so he didn't actually say that last part, but don't be surprised if he seriously doesn't show up anymore; how else are me and Poolboy supposed to share our crazy hilarity wich ya?! Can't have 'ol Batsy bein' a Buzz Killington!_

I trotted over to Deadpool, standin' overtop him and waitin' for him to get to his feet. Deadpool groaned as he turned his head to the side, clearly eyein' Bernie in my arms.

"Your beaver looks absolutely amazing from this angle," he said as I glanced down to the stuffed beaver that happened to be in line with my crotch and I smirked. Deadpool started to pick himself up, idly grabbin' at me to aid in standin' as one hand groped one of my boobies. I batted his hand away with a grimace.

"Hey, Mr. Touchy-Feely!" I stammered and he lifted his hands up in the air.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry… I thought that was your shoulder!" Deadpool claimed as I wasn't buyin' it. I reached into my shirt and pulled out a small knife. His eyes remained on my cleavage as I spoke, probably wonderin' where I had been hidin' it.

"You grope me like that again Poolarooney and I'm gonna cut off oneah yer fingers," I threatened, grippin' the knife in my palm. Deadpool looked on at me and called my bluff as he reached a single finger out to poke my boob. My eyes widened as I leaned forward and promptly cut off his middle finger. Deadpool grabbed his wrist as it started to spurt blood and yelped.

"What the fuck?! YOU are absolutely bat shit crazy! Why my 'fuck you' finger; why?!" Deadpool bellowed as he flailed about, holdin' his wrist.

"I warned ya! Would ya have preferred yer thumb?!" I bellowed as he looked up at me.

"NO! But how are people going to even SEE me flipping them off? As it grows back, it's going to be the size of a fucking newborn's!" Deadpool screeched and I cocked my head at him.

{Did he say, grows back?}

"Wait whatta mean grows back? How's it gonna grow back?" I asked curiously.

"Of course it's going to grow back, I can he-,wait a minute…you didn't know it'd grow back before you cut it off?!" He said liftin' his head to me, starin'. I looked left to right as if searchin' for the right answer.

"Uh…yes?" I lied and then giggled nervously. He gasped and pointed a finger at me accusingly.

"You didn't know! Oh my god, you are ruthless! I must warn you, I am gradually falling truly, madly, deeply…completely in love with you and soon, I'm not going to be able to control myself," he said as he sauntered up to me. I eyed him sidelong and glanced down to his crotch.

"So, tell me…does the same thing happen with yer pecker?" I asked and he glanced down to his crotch then back up at me.

"Point taken," Deadpool said, but I had a feelin' that wasn't gonna stop 'im, not at…all.


	4. Endless Love

Deadpool's POV

So here we are, the next chapter after my feisty femme dutifully sliced off my 'fuck you' finger, and though the author had the absolute power to speed up the healing process to make it full size again, I have a nub the size of a peanut for a middle finger.

 _"_ _I hope this is REAL fucking funny to you, Author! You power-tripping, son of a-,"_

I said as I flipped my nub off to the skies in protest.

{I uh…I wouldn't piss them off too badly, they could make it FAR worse.}

Suddenly Harley moved towards me and took my hand in her own, slowly bringing the nub up to her mouth. Her deliciously pink tongue idly licked at the nub with a devilish grin and I felt my knees go weak and my suit tightened around a certain part of my lower half.

%His PENIS!%

"I dunno, Poolarooney…I think it's kinda cute!" Harley exclaimed as she smiled at me before taking a step back again.

"You just absolutely love torturing me, don't you? I could get into that," I said as I cocked my head at her. Was my continuous spell casting techniques finally starting to work?!

All she did was smile at me in response and that was all I needed to affirm that yes, she did indeed enjoy torturing me which meant that Project-Deadpool-Pants-Invading was on full force overdrive. We continued to walk down the streets.

{Do we have an actual lead to where these people are or are we just going to wander aimlessly until they fall into our laps?}

"That is precisely what we're going to do, Voice. All the more time to woo my would-be looney lover," I said as Harley looked over at me with a scrunch of her nose.

"I know ya ain't talkin' bout me," she said and I moved up alongside her, idly wrapping my arm around her waist and winced, expecting to be pummeled again, but when that didn't happen, I took it as an opportunity to survey the situation.

"Think about it Harley-Kins, endless bloodshed, tandem gunning, stuffing our faces with food at every turn, mass control over the Fourth Wall, introducing our voices…and not to mention the mind blowing, earth shattering, kinkiest sex anyone has EVER accidentally witnessed," I said as I paused and looked sidelong at her, waiting for a response.

%Well…I personally would totally do us!%

{We…do us ALL the time; we need to step it up!}

Harley turned her head towards me as, again, the whole world seemed to go in slow-mo as she wasn't making a motion to hit me, or spit at me, or even roll her eyes at me…was she…was she actually about to consider my proposal?

"Pooley I-," she started to say as I leaned in towards her to listen when suddenly, the all too familiar sound of a katana being unsheathed from its home rang through my ears. I glanced over my shoulder to see that both of my own swords were firmly placed before I turned around completely to face a rather large fellow that I indeed recognized.

{Holy shit….it's Slade Wilson. I was totally kidding earlier!}

"Motherfucker, why now? WHY?!" I cried out. Just when my Senile Siren was about to see the appeal of bunking down with yours truly…this douche bag shows up. Slade Wilson also known as…Deathstroke.

 _Quick run-down, Deathstroke used to be in the army…went through some secret experiment that he was lied to about, got super strong, got a little bit of healing, and had some major anger issues…became a mercenary, blah blah... You'll find out more as I'm about to ream this guy through the motherfucking coals with all the dirt I know._

"Poolboy…," I heard Harley stammering as her form moved backwards, her mallet at the ready. I quickly turned around and idly placed my hand on the top of the mallet, bringing it back down to her side.

"Harley, my dear, why don't I take this one? I know your super-dee-duper strong, but I can be sliced a million ways from Sunday and live to tell the tale. I haven't even gotten to dive into the ethereal pond that is your vagina yet. And I don't do dead chicks."

%Weeeeelll…%

"Ok, she was actually…Death itself, that doesn't count!" I corrected the voice as Harley stared on at me confused, her lips parting as I could just hear the whine building up in her throat. I raised a finger to place it across her lips.

"You are woman, hear you roar and all that jazz, my pretty little psycho…but believe me when I say this has nothing to do with male over female, but rather comic company vs comic company and well, it's been a long time coming." Harley crossed her arms over chest with a _humph_ and rolled her eyes. Ah, there was cynical Harley once more as she turned with a flick of her pigtails to stand off to the side.

"There we are, now just chill out over there and play with your beaver, but I call dibs for nexties!" I exclaimed as my head suddenly ducked from the light swooshing sound that emanated through the alley, a katana colliding with the nearby brick wall.

{I'm actually surprised he waited that long to do that, I mean it's been what two minutes?}

%Aww, see the Author ain't that bad, and look, our finger is back!%

I glanced down to see my middle finger fully restored and to be frank, I was relieved seeing this, as it would've just completely thrown off my katana game. That'd just be embarrassing, considering the current company.

"Deadpool…what the _hell_ are you doing here, you second rate freak?" Deathstroke spoke as he stood motionless and all intimidating like with a katana in each hand. The wind made the little do rag ties at the back of his head flap around. Aww, I didn't have any little flappies to flop about in the wind!

"Second rate? Aw, are we a little sour that I was made in your image but not…considering my ability to break the Fourth Wall, my comedic craziness, and oh! I can see TWICE as good as you can?" I teased as I unsheathed both my swords, having the sinking feeling that shit was about to get real and I couldn't say that I often got to have a good ol' fashioned sword fight! As predicted, Deathstroke let out a growl as he sped forward, slicing both katanas through the air at me, my arms going into double time as I deflected each and every one of his blows before one nicked me in the shoulder.

"Oh ouchies! Don't you just hate when you nick yourself shaving?" I said as the newly formed cut quickly began to heal itself.

"How would you know…you haven't grown hair since your body became a walking testicle," Deathstroke retorted and I had to admit, that was actually quite good.

%Walking testicle…heehee, we kinda do…%

{Let us concentrate!}

"Ooooh, Dickstroke's got jokes! Are we trying to compensate for how much cooler I became than you ever were?" Deathstroke growled even louder after that remark, but I leapt forward before he had the chance to and immediately proceeded on the offense, going slicey-dicey as fast as my arms would allow. But what the fuuuuck, he always seemed one millisecond ahead of me and I felt like the day I started watching YouTube videos on how to fight with katanas all over again! Suddenly, as I was in the middle of doing a really bad ass spinny move, he predicted this motion and his katana sliced across my abdomen. I looked down and quickly moved to gather some of my intestine that had snuck its way out.

"Okay…that one smarted. You seem angry, was it the Dickstroke comment or the fact that I am right about having become more cool and popular than you?" I spoke mostly as a distraction to give my body a second to heal the wound once my guts were back inside me.

"Seriously, Slade…old buddy, old pal, my bro from another hoe…who happened to have the same last name. We should be best buds!" I exclaimed, holding my hands out to either side of me as if going in for a hug as Slade's sword sliced through the air in front of me, my back going into Matrix mode to avoid the blow.

"How dare you even begin…to compare yourself to me or call yourself a mercenary," Deathstroke retorted, thinking that would actually insult me in some kind of way I was assuming?

%Merc-with-a-Mouth to you buddy!%

"Oh come on now, I was a knock off of you, you were a knock off of Captain America…although a really crappy knock off; at least _he_ was able to handle the super soldier serum without going all berserker mode permanently. Tell me, how'd your wife feel about that?" I asked as I motioned to my right eye socket.

 _Little background, when Slade went crazy from the serum, his wife got so angry at him and so scared that she actually attempted to kill him by shooting him in the head! His mild healing factor was able to keep him from dying but he lost his eyesight in that eye, and you thought I was fucked up!_

Suddenly, my body was being launched through the alleyway, with Deathstroke as the linebacker, his forearms planted firmly into my chest. My back collided harshly with a nearby brick wall as his half blue/half orange mask stared into my own red and black one.

{I think we hit a nerve!}

I took advantage of his rage, hoping it'd cloud his freaky 10 steps ahead of me bullshit, as I removed one of the pistols from its holsters and shot Deathstroke in the arm. He left out a growl as he staggered backwards and I cocked my head at him.

"Oooh, is your wound going to heal as fast as mine do Slade? I'm going to guess not, considering you couldn't even keep your own eyesight. Not to mention Wolverine doesn't even exist in your world and that's where _my_ nifty healing abilities hail from. They're very handy!" Suddenly, my body was being made into swiss cheese as Deathstroke unleashed fury with what seemed every fucking gun he had on his person.

{Well, we should've seen that coming.}

After what seemed to be a hundred rounds implanted throughout my body, I looked down at the numerous holes littering my suit. Motherfucker, there goes another one. I glanced up to Deathstroke who's chest was heaving as he continued to pull on the triggers to either of the guns he held, the ammo already have run dry.

"Isn't it just infuriating? I can't die!" Deathstroke again growled…what was with that anyway, it was as if he could only speak cave man and nothing else. He removed a grenade from his belt and pulled the pin before running towards me.

"We'll see about that," he remarked before his body suddenly just disappeared as it launched high into the sky. It was Harley and her beloved mallet as I turned to see her put a hand on her hip and rest the mallet upon her shoulder. I stood dumbfounded for a moment as I looked from Harley to the visibly diminishing form that was Deathstroke before a sudden explosion went off in the sky. Both my hands went to my head.

"Harley! Did you just-did you just fucking _kill_ Deathstroke? He's like a nemesis that the hero seemingly, despite his crazy talents, powers, and weapons, NEVER kills!" I exclaimed, still grasping my head with both my hands.

"Don't know, don't care, good thing we ain't heroes, huh?!" Harley bellowed with a bit of pride and actual…truth to her statement.

 _Before anyone has a cow, I should probably inform you that of course Deathstroke is way too talented to let a grenade kill him mid-air, but it was a pretty funny thought, huh?_

"Let's get-a couple things straight 'ere Poolboy. _Nobody_ puts Harley in a cornah. I stepped aside just this once so that there could be this epic battle between you and 'ol Strokey-tool, but just know…it ain't happenin' again. I get too bored, and start thinkin' of all kinds of crazy stuffs to do." Harley spoke as she continually took steps forward, all the while raising a stern finger up at my face.

"Crazy stuff liiiike hide the banana in the oyster?" I attempted, as I stood my ground despite her insistent steps toward me and that finger that brought up horrible memories of parental figures that momentarily existed in my childhood. She scrunched her nose.

"Ew bananahs and oystahs? No! Look stop distractin' me with yer sexy smack talk!" she bellowed as my body took a completely different stance, both my hands moving to my hips in display.

"So you…think I'm sexy?" I asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

%She hasn't punched us yet…that's a good sign!%

"How would I know? Ya nevah take that goofy mask off! Yer arse seems pretty sexy though," she said with a shrug as my face lit up from beneath my mask.

"So you're saying there's a chance!" I said as I turned my back to her, idly bending over to display my, if I may say so myself, second best asset, that the red of my suit just seemed to accentuate. Harley offered a slight smirk before speaking.

"In yer dreams, Poolboy," she said with half of a grin as she moved past me and I stood up right to catch a glimpse of her own arse as she sauntered past.

{We're getting to her; that was definitely a smile!}

"Oh trust me, I do dream…every morning, afternoon, mid-evening, evening…," I began to say as my mind suddenly trailed off into another one of those day dreams, the immortal melody of "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie & Diana Ross playing as smoking hot Harley was completely naked, I, of course, completely naked save for my mask as well. We played with a can of whipped cream as she proceeded to cover each of my nipples with a heaping pile of cream and I traced a banana down her navel towards her-

"Earth to Deadpool!" Harley shouted which made me jolt from my current daydream.

%Aw man, we were just getting to the good part!%

I shook my head as I trotted to catch up with her like the good little puppy dog that I am.

"You do realize we ain't gotta single lead tah find these goons, right?" Harley asked rather matter of factly and I nodded vigorously.

"Absolutely, just as I've also noticed we've been running into random characters for the past two chapters…who's next Green Lantern?"

"Aw gee, I hope not…he's more-of-a stick in the mud than Batsy and his suit is just so…animated. Blech. Besides, I like the color red better anyhow," Harley commented as a finger rose to idly play with one of her pigtails.

%Oh, score!%

I glanced down to the stuffed beaver in Harley's arms and cocked my head.

"I do believe I called dibs on getting to play with your beaver next. So…," I said as I bent down to stare on at the stuffed beaver that was cradled to her right hip.

"Shall we play Hopscotch or Go…Fish?" I said as I turned my head to the skies.

 _This is just too much fun._


	5. I Wanna Dance With Somebody

Harley's POV

I sat at the bar top of Sue's Diner at the cornah of Gargoyle and Freaky Fog in the slum of Gotham City, idly strokin' my beaver. My feet didn't quite touch the floor from the stool I currently sat on, so I o'course couldn't keep still as I flopped them around, my pigtails bouncin' to and fro as I did so. I looked to my left to see Deadpool sittin' next to me currently twirlin' around in circles on his own stool as we waited for the portly fellah to come over and take our orders.

{It astonishes me that nobody noticed a guy dressed in a red and black mask and suit with katanas, as well as a woman with a giant sized mallet in this diner yet.}

"Oh hush, Bern…it's Gotham! I think they'd notice if we WEREN'T freakazoids," I said with a snort that sounded very much like a wee piggly wiggly. A rather plump African American fella with a stained yellow shirt and apron suddenly approached us, asking for our orders. My eyes darted to the man's nametag that read, "Leeroy". My eyes grew wide as fish bobbles as I pointed, almost crawlin' across the bar top in excitement.

"Leeeeeroooooooy Jenkins!" I yelled, Deadpool clearly gettin' the reference as his hands went to his stomach in a hearty laugh. Meanwhile, ol' Jenky boy just cocked an eyebrow at me and shook his head; I slowly sat back down on my stool.

"Honestly, I'm either going to fuck this girl or marry her…hopefully both!" Deadpool suddenly exclaimed as I shot a death stare at 'im. Leeroy raised both his hands up in the air as if he wanted nothin' to do with us.

"I don't give a shit what ya'll do Red Man, just do it outside. You orderin' or what?" Leeroy said, slappin' his spatula onto the bar top, which caused me to jump slightly almost droppin' my beaver. Deadpool cocked his head at the spatula.

"Is that the same spatula you use for the food?" Deadpool asked as he nonchalantly pointed at the cookin' device.

"Got a problem with dat?" Leeroy asked. Deadpool folded his hands atop the bar and shrugged lightly, as I raised my hand up in the air as if waitin' for my turn to talk.

"I'll have some sausage, bacon, eggs, full stack-a hotcakes, EXTRA syrup, and hmmm…OOOOO a slice-a blueberry pie!" I said, bouncin' about in my seat with excitement. Leeroy stared on at me with a severe lack of enthusiasm.

"All we got is apple," Leeroy said as I stuck my bottom lip out in a pout and then I got the best idea ever!

"That's fine; I'll take that with some 'nilla ice cream!" I exclaimed loudly as he continued to stare at me with that continued lack of enthusiasm.

"We ain't got any ice cream," Leeroy said as I blew a piece of stray hair from my face in exasperation.

"Jeez Louise, fiiiine I'll have a nudie piece-a apple friggin' pie," I said, whinin' like a toddler. Leeroy stared at me fer a moment before nonchalantly castin' his eyes over to Deadpool. Deadpool placed his hands on his chest in reference to himself.

"Oh! My Turn! I'll have what she's having," he said, pointin' to me in the process. Mr. Excitement, AKA Leeroy, continued to look on wit-a deadpan stare.

"We only got one slice of pie left," Leeroy remarked as Deadpool's fist slammed onto the bar top.

"For fucks sake, man! What kind of place are you running here?! Diners ALWAYS have pie!" Deadpool bellowed as Leeory's spatula slapped onto the bar top again, this time causin' Deadpool to snap back his hands in reaction to avoid being slapped.

"This ain't IHOP, fool," Leeroy remarked as Deadpool crossed his arms over his chest in a huff.

"Fine. Same shit…SANS pie," Deadpool said with a grunt as I slowly leaned over to talk to the side of his mask.

"Ya know…I could possibly be persuaded to share said last piece 'a pie…," I remarked, idly drummin' my one hand on the bar top as the other drummed atop Bernie's head. Deadpool's head slowly turned to look at me with interest.

"You would, uh…let me finger your pie?" Deadpool asked as I snorted a laugh and sat back up right in my stool.

"All ya gotta do is play a lil' game with me," I started to say, still floppin' my feet in the air from my stool. Deadpool crossed his fingers of his gloved hands in the air.

"Please, please, PLEASE tell me this involves a kiddie pool and jello!" My face scrunched as I tried to make sense-a that statement before replyin'.

{As long as it's cherry jello!}

"Speak for yerself, Bern! No! Not jello. It's called…Whenever Yer In a Restaurant Whoever Can Cause the Biggest Scene Without Killin' Anyone…game!" I said, raisin' my hands into the air like I was announcin' a game show. Deadpool crossed his legs and stroked his masked chin as if in thought before he too threw his hands in the air.

"That is an amazing idea! Tell me…is nudity allowed?" he asked, cantin' his head at me in curiosity.

"Sure, why not! If ya think it'll work!" I replied as he leaned toward me on the bar top on his elbows, restin' his head on his hands.

"Well I for one think you should try it –, I'm pretty sure it would cause QUITE the scene, you'd totally win!" Deadpool proclaimed as I leaned forward to peer at his masked face and narrowed my eyes.

"Nice try, Poolness," I said before I threw my hands up, launchin' Bernie across the room. I stood up on the bar top with my hands on either side of my face and left out a shrillin' scream.

"Holy ew-a-ronie! There's a rabid beavah in dis establishment!" I bellowed, pointin' at my stuffed beaver that just landed on the floor. Several of the folks in the diner glanced over and all but shrugged at the sight-a me. One guy even retorted with,

"Looks dead to me." My shoulders sulked as I crawled off the bar top, Deadpool lightly clappin' his gloved hands before pattin' my shoulder as if to console me.

"Very entertaining up to the point where they pointed out the truth…your beaver is dead. You really should…liven it up a bit," Deadpool said as I reached down to scoop Bernie back up into my arms.

{Have you no shame, woman?! And I am NOT rabid!}

"Yeah, yeah Bern…it was a self-sacrifice for the greatah good!" I proclaimed to my beaver before I turned to suddenly see Deadpool launchin' from his stool. He began to twirl in the middle of the floor, pretendin' to flick his imaginary hair around and he then began to sing, well no, _scream_ the ethereal lyrics to Whitney Houston's, "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". He proceeded to prance around the diner, occasionally pointin' at people or grazin' his hands over his arse at others. As he passed one man, he even paused a moment to drape himself over his lap before leapin' back up to twirl to the chorus once more. My mouth slowly fell agape as I watched this spectacle unfold.

{Wow this guy is such a…}

"Cool," I said as I cocked my head in peaked interest, all the sudden havin' the overwhelmin' desire to see what this dude looked like under that darn mask. Why did I even care?

{This guy is such a…cool? That's not even a sentence. I was thinking of another word that RHYMES with cool…are you…hey! Are you even _listening_ to me?}

"Uh huh, yah sure, Bern," I said absent mindedly as Deadpool was approachin' the finale of his lil' production.

{Ooooh don't you do it, Harley…don't you DO it! Last thing YOU need is even more crazy in your life!}

"Fer cryin' out loud Bernie, would ya COOL it? I'm just admirin' his singin' talents!" I proclaimed, adjustin' in my stool as I saw Deadpool comin' back over to his own squat stick.

{Uh huh…and I'm a koala.}

"Mother of all that is fucking HOLY is this crowd rough! I've cleared an entire biker bar before with that tune, and I hadn't even done the lap move!" Deadpool bellowed as he plopped down on the stool beside me.

"Whitney would be SO proud!" I said to him as he again pretended to flick some imaginary hair back away from his face in response. My nose started to sniff the air, I had a unique talent for sniffin' out hotcakes from even a mile away; LOVE me some hotcakes!

"Game is officially ON hold, I smell hotcakes!" I said, as my eyes grew as wide as Roseanne's booty. Deadpool sniffed the air and proceeded to scratch his head, obviously not smellin' what I was, but then mere moments later, 'ol Leeroy appeared from the kitchen, plates-a food in hand.

"You've got a nose a like a bloodhound!" He proclaimed and I rubbed my hands together in greedy anticipation.

"And you hump like one," I retorted, wipin' a bit-a drool from the cornah of my mouth as the hotcakes and breakfast goods were placed in front-a me.

"Oh my dear, you have NO idea how I truly hump…when it's well, you know…not on the…outside," he began to stammer as I immediately poured a heapin' pile-a syrup all over mah cakes and dug my fork in, stuffin' as much of the delicious fluffiness in my cheeks as they could handle before I began to chew. I left out a loud moan, very similar to the sound I make when drivin' into o-town.

{Pssh, like you even remember what that sounds like. When's the last time you actually HAD an orgasm, Harley?}

"No talkey…food in mouthy," I said through stuffed cheeks. I noticed Deadpool out of the cornah of my eye that he was currently holdin' his fork and knife in each of his hands but starin' at me as I made sweet, sweet love to my food with my mouth. Once I swallowed, I looked over at him with a huge smile.

"I LOVE pancakes." Deadpool nodded slowly and then gestured towards my already half eaten stack of cakes.

"Clearly, but please don't stop on my account," he proclaimed and I didn't hesitate to continue.

Deadpool's POV

Fuck, fuck, fuuuuck. The noises Harley was making as she devoured her food was causing the most uncomfortable stiffy to form in the pit of my suit. I was fighting every fucking compulsion possible to not win the game right then and there by throwing her sexy ass on the bar top and screwing her senseless, all the while smearing syrupy goodness all over ourselves. Undoubtedly, THAT would most certainly cause a scene.

%Are we…speechless? This is weird.%

Once I realized that she had completely finished her pancakes and started on the rest of the food, I jolted out of my wet dream daydream and proceeded to eat my own food, nonchalantly lifting my mask and turning my head each time I took a bite. Moments later, that singular piece of pie arrived and I felt a whimper escape my throat as it was set in front of Harley. She looked over at me with an evil grin, moving the fork over the top of it as if she were trying to do a magic trick and produce another piece.

"You haven't won the game yeeeeet," she teased as she dug her fork in and pulled the piece of pie off the metal utensil very slowly with her teeth. There went the pit of my suit again. I slammed my fist down on the bar top and rose from my stool.

{Let's take it home!}

I knew exactly what would cause a scene, and would cause one quickly, because I wanted pie dammit! I strode over to the table with the most people. I lifted a hand to the base of my mask and whisked it off my face, showing my marled face glory to the poor saps.

"Boo," was all I said and it took all of 3 seconds for their faces to contort in utter revulsion as they trampled over one another to get out of the booth. I nodded once in gratification as I slid the mask back over my face, making my way back to Harley who sat there with her jaw hitting the floor. I said but not a word and reached past her, sticking one of my gloved fingers into the warm gooey awesomeness that was her sweet apple pie.

%Is anyone else thinking of that movie 'American Pie' right now besides me?%

I lifted my mask just slightly so that I could lick the goo off my finger, watching Harley as she started to lift a hand towards my face. I quickly retreated the bottom of the mask home and lightly grabbed her wrist, wagging a finger in her face.

"Ah, ah, ah…princess. I need you to be completely obsessed with me before you can see THIS train wreck," I said, as I motioned towards my face and rest of my body. Harley rolled her eyes as she finished off the rest of her pie, flopping her dangled feet around as she did so.

"Welp, maybe one day you'll actually let me see yer mouth move. See yer pearly whites and yer…tongue. Oh, how I do love tongues. They're so…pink and…slippery," she said as her own tongue teasingly licked at her lower lip after the mention of that last word. I had been leaning on the bar top during this display and found my hand slipping off of its current placement, causing me to almost face plant right into the mahogany. Suddenly, Harley leaped off her stool, picking up the mallet from the floor and clutching the beaver to her chest.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand, Mama needs a pink stuffed monkey!" Harley said as she started to saunter towards the door. I looked back and forth before throwing a wad of uncounted bills onto the bar top and chasing after her.

"I'm sorry…a pink stuffed monkey? Where do you plan to get one of those?" I asked, strolling up beside her. She rolled her eyes at me and put one hand on her hip.

"The fair, silly!" she said as she continued to walk. I suddenly felt a huge lump in my throat. The fair? Shit.

"Um, the fair? Aren't there, um… _clowns_ …at fairs?" I asked rather tentatively.

"You bet yer rounded red butt, there are!" she bellowed and I gripped my skull with my gloved hands.

 _A quick note…in case some of you didn't know, I have an overwhelming, spine-tingling fear of TWO things in this life. Clowns…and cows, if I ever saw a cow dressed like a clown, I might actually DIE right then and there._

{We can do this. Our penis is at stake here!}

"Right, right…yes…yes we CAN do this," I said as I clenched my fists and reached deep down to the deepest depths of my testosterone as we approached the big neon signs that said, "Gotham Fair". Even from this distance, I could hear the faint laughter of a creepy-ass clown and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry like a little boy.

%She's hot. She's crazy. She's hot. She's crazy.%

Harley turned around and started to walk backwards, eyeing my hesitance to cross the threshold into Hell.

"Come on, Poolboy! I need me a Churro!" she said and the idea of watching her stuff a phallic looking cinnamon sugared object into her mouth was enough to make me walk. Here we go!

%Hey…weren't we supposed to be doin' somethin'%

{Shhh…}


	6. How 'Bout Us

Deadpool's POV

%It's cool, it's cool… _everything_ will be just fiiiine.%

Harley strutted in front of me, mallet in one hand resting on her shoulder, her stuffed beaver clutched into the other hand. I walked in a crouch, my head darting left and right constantly, as if a clown would drop from the sky right in front of me just to fuck with me. I was so consumed with looking around for my nemesis that I hadn't seen Harley walk in a different direction and I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Oh my g-Harley?!" I bellowed as I turned around in circles 3 times, frantically looking for her with a faint whimper.

"So not fucking cool!" I yelled, wrapping my arms around myself as I decided which direction to walk tentatively. I walked across the dirt as if it were glass that would shatter beneath me, when suddenly the terrorizing sound of a clown horn flooded my ears from behind me. My arms shot straight into the sky with a shrill scream and I bolted forward in a direction that was just anywhere as long as it was away from the sound. When I finally found a spot to hide, I pressed my back against the nearby tent as my chest heaved.

%We should really think about therapy for this whole scared of clowns business…%

{I think there's a lot more things we need therapy for before clowns…}

"Poolness!" Harley's voiced bellowed as I jumped again, slamming a hand to my chest as I looked over to her, relieved that it was my pale faced goddess and not a pale-ass clown. She held the clown horn up to me and honked it a few more times, before I reached my hand out and slapped it out of her hand as if it were a snake or something.

"Hey!" she yelled with a scrunch of her nose before she took a few more steps towards me.

"What's yer problem? I was just tryin' to show ya the neat-o horn the churro stand gave me and ya ran off like ya just saw Leonard Nemoy's naked butt or somethin'!" Harley bellowed as she rested a hand on one of her hips. I contemplated for a moment or two if I truly wanted to tell her flat out that clowns scared the ever-loving shit out of me or to go for the tougher guy approach. As history would serve me with continued idiocy…I decided on the latter. I cleared my throat and stood up straight.

"The, uh…the horn triggered my PTSD, that's all. Be, uh…be more careful next time," I said, clearing my throat again, as I crossed my arms over my chest, watching Harley shove half of the churro in her mouth. Dear lord in heaven, where did it even fucking go?!

"Oh yeah? PTSD from what?" Harley challenged as I shook my head, realizing she just asked me a question. Meanwhile, I had been thoroughly distracted; imagining one of my own appendages was taking the place of the churro Harley was currently shoving down her gullet.

"Oh, uh…'Nam or something," I said rather absently, the last bit of the churro entering her mouth as she began to lick each of her fingers of all the cinnamon-sugary goodness. Suddenly, I realized that only one of her hands was currently occupied and I looked to the ground to see if she set it by her feet.

%Uh uh, 'ol Bernie ran away!%

"Uh, Harley…where's your uh, beaver?" I asked, tilting my head at her as I watched her look down to her arms, a sudden panic suddenly overtaking her as she realized the beaver was nowhere to be seen. She did a few circles before her face started to contort in this weird grimace as if she was…oh boy, was she about to start leaking from her eyeballs?

"Omigod…how could I lose 'im! He's my bread and buttah!" I approached her, grabbing either of her shoulders with my gloved hands.

"Harls…we will find your beaver and when we do I will _personally_ give it a kiss," I said, placing a hand over my chest in reference to myself. Harley stuck out her bottom lip in a pout and began to bounce idly up and down like a little girl taking a tantrum.

"What good are ya lips, ya never even show 'em!" she whined, starting to look around frantically again. I reached a hand up to the area where my mouth was beneath the mask.

"I mean, I suppose I _could_ cut a hole out where my mouth is, but then I'd just look like one of those weird bondage people, or worse yet, a Mexican wrestler…," I began to stammer before I felt a fist slam into my shoulder.

"Focus Poolbutt! My _beaver_ is missin'!" Harley bellowed and I nodded once before walking past her at a brisk pace, momentarily forgetting that a clown could be lurking around any corner. I approached the first carnie I saw, who happened to me a midget with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and a row of missing teeth, and gave him a bow.

"Excuse me kind sir, but have you seen a stuffed…beaver?" The midget carnie looked up at me quizzically and then glanced over at Harley who was fidgeting nervously, almost as if she had to pee or take a massive deuce.

"It's a fair, buddy…I'm sure there's tons'ah stuffed beavers in this joint," the midget said to me with unabashed annoyance as he jutted his thumb behind him in reference to the fairgrounds.

"It's actually a real…stuffed…beaver," I corrected as the miniature man looked up at me quizzically before shrugging his shoulders.

"Well, why didn't ya say so! There's one right over there, just gotta win it!" he bellowed before letting out a high-pitched laugh that made me take a step back in apprehension. I looked over to where he referenced and noticed that the game was one of those "Test of Strength" games with the mallets and tilted my head. Harley was already three steps ahead of me as I trotted to catch up with her.

"Fear not my Deranged Damsel, your darling Deadpool will win your beaver!" I exclaimed holding up a finger before her forearm pressed onto my chest and guided me out of the way with a smirk, wrapping her hands around the handle of her mallet.

"I think me an 'ol Beatrice got dis one, Pool-o," she remarked as the carnie chewed on his cigar before waving his hands at her.

"You gotta use OUR mallet, girly girl," he stammered as her eyes narrowed at him and I scratched my head, knowing this probably wasn't going to end very well…for the carnie.

"But, I brought my own…," she remarked, swinging the mallet about in her hands. As the man opened his mouth to protest again and took a step forward, Harley brought the mallet down onto the device, launching the bell up to the top so fast and harshly that it broke off at the top and came crashing down right into the head of the unknowing carnie. My head darted back and forth between the possibly dead or severely injured carnie to Harley, who was walking over to the prize area in complete glee.

{Okay…this dame is…}

%Amazing, hot, crazy?!%

Harley grabbed the stuffed beaver that was sitting amongst the rest of the plush prizes and clung it to her chest, whispering a few baby-talk coo words to it.

"There we are, Bern. Safe and sound." she muttered as she stepped over the body of the carnie…correction, stepped ON the body of the carnie as she walked over him and back to me. She then thrusted the beaver in my direction and put a hand on her hip.

"Pucker up, Romeo!" Harley bellowed as she shook the beaver idly in front of me, apparently remembering my promise earlier as I peered around the beaver at her. She looked at me impatiently and tapped her foot. I leaned forward, placed my mask on the beaver, and made a loud smacking sound with my lips.

"Nuh-uuuuh! Use yer smack-a-roos!" she chastised as my eyes narrowed behind my mask. My shoulders slunk in defeat before I lifted enough of the mask to just barely show my lips and planted a quick smack atop the beaver's head, sputtering as some of the fur got in my mouth.

"You ever consider getting that thing shaved?" I asked as I pulled the mask down over my mouth. Harley stared at me wide eyed before tilting her head to side.

"Who ever heard of a shaved beaver?" she asked innocently as I raised a hand to retort, but she was already brushing past me.

Harley's POV

{First you lose me, then _this_ tool talks about shaving me bald? Just great, I can see where I stand!}

"Bern, stop being such a drama mama. I ain't shavin' ya, you'll remain as hairy, spunky, and slightly decayin' as the day we met!" I bellowed before approachin' another game that involved shootin' a bow and arrow at balloons to win a prize. There rested my beloved pink monkey that I been eyeballin' fer months!

"A'right, Pool-ness. Want to win me somethin', now's yer chance!" I bellowed as I pointed at the pink monkey with a huge grin. Deadpool stepped up to the game and scratched his head while tiltin' it.

Deadpool's POV

Mother _fucker_ of ALL the games in this living hellhole she had to pick the ONE game that I'd be incredibly and utterly 100% horrible at?! Why would I shoot a bow and arrow with having swords and guns on my person's at all times?!

{Hawkeye does…}

"Well, Hawkeye can suck my left testicle, and you can tell that tool I said so!" I retorted as Harley just canted her at me like me yelling at myself wasn't really that out of the ordinary; my _god_ was she fucking hot! Okay…we can do this, how hard could it actually be, right?

 _FYI readers, Hawkeye is a Marvel character that uses all these gadgetized arrows with a good 'ol fashioned bow, no NOT a cross bow…you heard me, like I said, fucking tool._

%Just find your inner Katniss Everdeen! And may the odds be ever in your…%

"Don't even dare finish that sentence. We all agreed that the _only_ reason we watched all three Hunger Games movies was because J Law is hot as shit. No quotes!" I cracked my knuckles as I approached the game, giving the carnie some cash as he handed me the bow and arrow. I rolled my shoulders as I brought the arrow up to the bow. Fuck, I actually _was_ finding my inner Katniss, thinking back to how she held it in the movies.

%Ha ha!%

I let the arrow go…straight into my foot.

"Mother of shit!" I bellowed as I bounced up and down a moment, trying to even figure out how at one moment the arrow was aimed straight ahead of me and then in another instant, it was downward and into my foot. I reached down and yanked the arrow from my foot in a grimace. I looked over at Harley who was stifling a laugh and seductively biting at the tip of her thumb. I approached the game again with a bit of a limp as the carnie handed me another arrow.

"Two more, buddy," the carnie said simply as I snatched the arrow from his hand.

"I'm fine, by the way," I responded as I brought the arrow again up to the bow, this time I purposely aimed it downward at the rude carnie. I actually hit my intended target this time as the arrow launched into the carnie's foot. The carnie grimaced as I pointed with a laugh.

"How's it feel, _buddy_ …maybe next time you'll-,"I started to say as the carnie begun to laugh and slowly lifted up his pant leg to show my arrow planted itself into a prosthetic wooden leg and I stood up right, sordidly disappointed. Harley stifled a giggle as her hips rotated left to right, her pigtails following suit in the same motion. I found my head rotating left and right in unison before an arrow was shoved into my view.

" _Last_ one, pal…and I hope ya fuckin' hit yer other foot," the carnie so rudely responded as I cleared my throat and raised the bow and arrow to shoot. I took a deep breath and let it loose. The arrow collided into one of the nearby metal poles, ricocheted and launched itself straight into the side of my head. I stood still and blinked a few times.

{I'd like to see us do THAT again! That's talent right there!}

Harley's POV

My hands launched to my mouth, droppin' the mallet and Bernie again in the process. I knew DP said he was able to grow a finger back, but an arrow straight into his noggin'?! I started to run forward to him when suddenly Deadpool's head turned to look at the carnie who was laughin', thinking that DP had met his makah. Suddenly, DP launched himself ovah the counter and drug his head across all the balloons, poppin' every single one of them, before yankin' the arrow out of his head and lodged it into the carnie's shoulder. The carnie stared up at him wide eyed and dumb founded, barely bein' able to notice the arrow in his shoulder, but probably more focused on the fact that Deadpool was still kickin'. The carnie reached out for the pink monkey and handed it to Deadpool, eyes never leavin' him. DP plucked the monkey from the carnie's fingers and hopped back over to hand it to me with a bow.

{Okay…that was pretty…is sweet the right word here because he's still psychotic.}

I took the monkey with a huge grin, tiltin' my head at the blood on either side of Deadpool's mask with a lil pout.

"That hurt?" I asked pointin' at the two holes on opposite sides of his head. Deadpool shook his head vigorously before pattin' his skull with a gloved hand.

"Not anymore, Sweetcheeks!" he responded and I laughed, nuzzlin' the monkey to my face with a girly whimper.

"Well I'm glad ya ain't dead!" I said with complete sincerity as I leaned forward and kissed Deadpool on the side of his masked face. I stood straight up and watched Deadpool drag a hand down the side of his face where I'd kissed him.

Deadpool's POV

I stared at Harley as I felt her lips on my cheek still, despite my mask, as the edges of her form seemed to start glowing ethereally. A sudden, steady flow of wind began as it tousled her pig tails about slightly and my eyes widened behind my mask as I started to idly sing the lyrics to "How 'Bout Us" by Champaign.

"Some people are made for each other, some people can love one another for life, how 'bout us?" I sang as if actually asking her.

%Man, if we are like this from a kiss on the cheek just imagine what a hand-job would do!%

My angelic daydream was rudely interrupted when a sudden horrifying visage appeared behind Harley and instead of the light; I was surrounded by engulfing darkness. Oh…shit. I passed out.

{It is super dark in here…don't we have a match or something?}

%I don't have pockets!%

{Hey! WAKE UP!}

I sat up straight, shaking my head as if to clear it and frantically looked around me, seeing Harley and not the scariest most blood curdling looking clown I had seen moments prior to going nighty night. Harley tilted her head at me.

"You okay, Pool-o? You went down like a sack-a potatoes!" she stammered and I opened my mouth to reply when suddenly, the clown face bent down right in between us.

"You okay there, buddy; didn't mean to startle you!" he yammered and I leapt to my feet in a shrill scream, drawing both of my pistols and unleashed every single piece of lead that those pistols were armed with into the chest, head, body, feet, and dick of this would be assailant. The clown lay dead, now on the ground looking like bloodied Swiss cheese as I stood with two smoking barrels and my chest heaving. Harley stood and slowly approached me as I let my head fall.

{Oh we are so screwed…may have been a bit overkill.}

I holstered my pistols and interlaced my fingers behind my back, idly going up and down on the balls of my feet as if what happened didn't actually happen.

"So, uh, I guess you want to run for the hills now, huh?" I asked tilting my head at her and preparing for the worst.

"Are you crazy? That was flippin' awesome!" she bellowed, jumping up and down before grabbing her mallet, beaver, and new pink monkey into her arms.

"What other kindah dirt can we get into?" she asked, tilting her head at me in curiosity. Seriously, WHERE did this chick come from? A test tube?!

"Well, I've always wanted to start a You Tube channel…," I said rather matter of factly as I removed my cell phone from my pocket to pull up the You Tube app.

"Ooo, ooo, I know just what we'll call it! Pooley!"


	7. Love is a Battlefield

Deadpool POV

 _Okay readers, listen up! The author is AFK (Away From Keyboard for those non-gamers) and I'm taking over! Right now I am your Dungeon Master! Think of it like those old "Choose Your Own Adventure" books they used to have, except I choose everything for you, yeah? Let's fucking doing this!_

Your POV…with Deadpool Influence

You are sitting at your computer surfing away on the internet. _Click. Click. Click. Click_. Once you finish viewing the animal porn site that you "accidentally" came across, you decide to see what new videos are floating around YouTube. You hover over the search bar, wriggling your fingers in thought before you decide on looking up videos about, "Proper Hygiene", because you're just feeling downright dirty after some of the videos you just saw from that site you "accidentally" came across. As you scroll past loser after loser being all-serious and describing proper hand washing techniques, you stumble across a video of a dude in a red and black suit. Once you get over the fact that this dude's ass looks absolutely fan-fucking-tastic in red, you decide to click on the video. The following is what you view:

A man dressed in a red/black suit and mask stands with his back turned singing into a back scrub brush to the song: "Love is a Battlefield". As the camera draws closer, he jumps as if the viewer has startled him. He stands clad in his suit standing in the shower, including a shower cap, as he idly squeezes the rubber ducky in his hand with an audible SQUEEK.

"Oh! Hi there. I'm your friendly neighborhood Deadpool here to tell YOU…how to wash your stank *BEEP* properly. Wait I can't even say *BEEP*? Mother*BEEP*er."

Deadpool turns on the water as it cascades across his suit.

"First…you want to make sure your niiice and wet." He says as he starts to rub his hands all over his body. The camera cuts to various close up shots as he caresses his chest, his stomach, his rear as 70s porn music plays in the background.

"Next…you want to get a REAL good lather going. Nobody likes raw dog!"

He grips the bar of soap in his hands as it suddenly slips from his grasp and lands on the shower floor with a thud. His form quickly drops down and out of frame from the camera before standing back up again.

"Also…as a golden rule, don't EVER drop the soap…"

The camera cuts to a zoomed in shot of Deadpool's face as one eye goes wider than the other does.

"Or do…who knows…you might enjoy it."

He continues to lather up his…suit with the soap, making sure to pay extra attention to his underarms and groin.

"Experts might tell you to lather for 30 seconds to make sure your nice and de-germified but I am here to tell you, who *BEEP*ing cares! Five seconds? A minute? *BEEP* you might even decide to rub one out suddenly when the soap gets to your meat and tackle. What happens to those 30 seconds then, huh?!"

He throws his arms out to either side as the soap again slips and launches from his grasp, his head glances down as the camera cuts then to a shot of Deadpool wiping himself down with a towel.

"Then you rinse…squeegee yourself with your hands…and pat yourself down with a towel!" Deadpool says as he runs the towel over his suit, taking a little extra time when he pulls the towel back and forth between his legs. He shivers before the camera cuts and ends with a close up shot of Deadpool.

"And there you have it! You are now officially squeaky clean, Deadpool style! If you don't have a shower…there's also a car wash. Just wait till someone pays, drives their car in, and run your naked self in quick and get out, before the driver even realizes what's happening! Have a good day, and subscribe to Harley and I's channel, Pooley!" Deadpool ends with his hands resting under his chin as a subscribe button pops up in the corner of the screen.

You are so enamored by Deadpool's electrifying personality that you without doubt click on the button to describe to the channel. You then visit the Pooley Channel homepage and begin to survey the video selections. You see a make-up tutorial video hosted by a smoking hot, pale-skinned goddess and are intrigued so you click it. The following is what you view:

"Hi ya there boils and germs! Harley Quinn here!" Harley exclaims as she salutes the camera.

"We been gettin' all kindsah comments askin', 'Harley, how do you DO yer make-up?' So, here's my usual regimen! To assist…we got 'ol Poolboy here! He still continues to insist on wearin' his mask, SO wer just gonna do it right over it!" Deadpool sits idly in a chair and waves at the camera.

"Now to start off…ya need pasty, pale, white as fresh bed sheets skin! Now my skin happens to be permanent, but fer those of ya that aren't blessed with vampire skin…any runnah the mill clown make-up will do! Or ya can just jump into an acid bath like I did, and you too can share in the permanent pale as death skin yerselves!" Deadpool tilts his head up at Harley.

"Is THAT why your skin looks like that?" he questions as Harley laughs nervously at the camera.

"Oh Pool-a-rooney, yer such a kidder! O' course that's why, everyone knows that! Now shaddup and hold still!" Harley bellows as she smacks Deadpool's masked face with a big powder brush, making a thick white sheen over his entire face.

"Next, yer gonna wanna find the PERFECT shades of blue and pink that were gonna use, one on each peeper!" Harley shows each of the eye shadow compacts to the camera one at a time and then the brush she's going to use to apply it.

"I personally use a brand called Psycho Bitch, and the colors are…'Swimmin' Wit Dah Fishies', which is the blue, and 'Luscious Clam', which is the pink!" Harley turns to Deadpool and applies the blue to one eye and pink to the other, making sure to pokehim in the eye on the last bit of application. Deadpool jumps and does karate chopping motions in the air.

"Ouch! HEY!" Deadpool says as Harley shrugs and looks to the camera.

"Maybe if ya didn't wear dat mask all dah time, I could see where yer eyeballs are!" Harley exclaims as Deadpool raises a hand to point at his eyes.

"They are where the WHITE of the mask is, ya know, the part that MOVES when I move my eyebrows? How is that not obvious?" Deadpool says as Harley continues her tutorial.

"Next, ya wanna make sure ya pick a SUPER dark purple smacker stick! I use Psycho Bitch's Death Wine on my own smackers!" Harley turns to Deadpool and starts to apply the lipstick, but instead of putting it on the part where his mouth would be, she forms a wide smile across the entire front side of his mouth. Deadpool crosses his arms over his chest, clearly not amused.

"For the absolute FINAL touch-a-rama…ya, need to draw a pink diamond on yer left cheek. The one on yer face that is!" Harley leans in towards Deadpool, still sitting motionless with his arms folded across his chest and draws a pink diamond on his cheek.

"Viola! Now dun't he look purdy?!" Harley bellows as she bends over to plant a kiss on Deadpool's cheek. Deadpool's arms suddenly uncross as he looks down to her cleavage and the video ends.

You realize that this YouTube channel is one of the best fucking channels you have EVER had the pleasure of wasting your life watching! You decide to watch some more! You see a separate Playlist area where the Pooley channel has done all those useless, hipster, viral challenges! You decide to watch them. All of them. The first video plays:

Harley is sitting in the middle of an alleyway on a single wooden chair as her hands rub together in her lap as if she is nervous. Suddenly, Deadpool's form appears in frame as he drags a huge bucket across the ground until he is beside Harley in the chair.

"My name is Harley Quinn, and I've been challenged with the ice bucket challenge…so 'ere goes, I'm takin' the plunge!"

She bellows to the camera as Deadpool slowly lifts the bucket full of ice water up and over his head when suddenly, Harley grabs a mallet from behind her chair and slams it into Deadpool's stomach. The contents of the bucket fall all over, not Harley, but Deadpool instead. Harley throws her head back in a fit of giggles as Deadpool gasps and stands frozen still, lookingto the camera like a wet dog until the next video starts to play:

Harley and Deadpool stand in a kitchen. Harley drums her fingers atop the counter as Deadpool waves at the camera.

"Hey viewers! Deadpool and Harley here…and we have decided to take on the cinnamon challenge, because, well, how difficult can it be really, am I right?" Deadpool looks over at Harley who nods once in agreement.

"Piece 'a cake!" Harley exclaims, as they both raise spoons of cinnamon to the front of their faces. Deadpool peels back his mask and they both shove the spoons into their mouths. They work the cinnamon around in their mouths for a moment before Harley spits a fit of brown powder into the air and her hands begin flailing around. Deadpool pulls the mask down over his mouth again and suddenly makes a cough/choking sound as his fist slams into the countertop several times, his body starting to flail around.

"What the actual *BEEP*?!" Deadpool yells between fits of coughing and sputtering as his hands lift up to begin pulling off his mask as he runs out of frame and behind the camera, though you can still hear him gagging in the background.

"*BEEP*ing *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*in *BEEEEEEEEP*!" Deadpool bellows off camera as Harley meanwhile looks around in a panic as if she really has no idea what to do. She points at the camera frantically and then the video ends as the next one begins:

The camera slowly begins to pan until we see Harley standing perfectly still in a fancy pose, not moving a muscle. The camera continues to pan around her standing still when suddenly, she sneezes.

"Oh, way to go…mannequins don't sneeze!" Deadpool says off camera and Harley looks at the camera with a pout.

"A bug flew up my nose, whatta ya want me to do, suck it up into my brain?"

Harley says as a 'Take 2' sign appears in frame and the camera begins to pan across a perfectly still Harley again. It goes on for longer this time until Harley slowly starts to work up into a fit of giggles and eventually a full on laugh. We can hear Deadpool sighing in the background.

"What now?!" Deadpool asks as Harley's finger points downward.

"Ya got like the HUGEST chubby right now, Poolness."

The camera slowly starts to pan down until we see a glimpse of red boots and then the camera quickly jostles around.

"Know what, my turn, let ME try this!" Deadpool says as the current video ends and the next one begins:

The camera pans to show a perfectly still Deadpool who poses like Michael Jackson with one hand grasping his crotch and the other shoots up into the air. As the camera continues to pan, it suddenly starts to zoom in on Deadpool idly rubbing his crotch as he grabs it.

"Hey! No crotch fondlin'! A mannequin would NOT fondle its non-existent crotchtal area!"

Harley bellows as Deadpool stands straight up, holding his arms out to either side.

"What the-, I was BARELY moving, come on! You know what *BEEP* this challenge, this one is SO stupid…OOO, look at me, I can stand perfectly still like a *BEEP*-ing mannequin, I mean seriously!"

Deadpool stammers as his form moves forward and fills the frame before the video ends.

You can't contain your laughter from the consistent hilarity that is ensuing with each passing second that you watch these videos. Despite the fact that you haven't eaten breakfast or lunch and you've had to take a piss for the past 2 hours, but got so wrapped up in YouTube you forgot to do ANY of that…you decide to watch ONE more video. The following video plays:

"Harley Quinn here, folks and for this video, I'm personally gonna show ya how to rob a place with STYLE!"

Harley bellows as she props her mallet on one of her shoulders. She motions to a building behind her with a glass front entrance that reads 'Gotham Jewelers'.

"This here is a jewelry shop that has over two hundred and fifty THOUSAND dollars wortha loot in it! That's the first step, DO yer research! Why rob a place if it only has a hundred bucks to its name, right Deadpool?"

Harley says as she looks up and slightly off from the camera.

"Hey! That Slurpee at 711 was COMPLETELY worth it!"

Deadpool exclaims from off camera. Harley puts a hand on her hip.

"SO, the first thing ya wanna do is check yer perimeter. Are there guards, are there cameras? Because if there ARE, ya flirt with the guards and make sure to blow a kiss for the cameras!"

Harley bellows with a smile and a tilt of her head as one hand plays with the ends of one of her pigtails.

"The next step is to simply choose a blunt object of your choice and-,"

Harley lifts the mallet up over her head and just as she starts swinging it towards one of the glass windows, a woman in a black cat suit, goggles, and knee high boots saunters out the front door. Harley drops the mallet as her eyes widen at the new star of the video.

"Catwoman?!" Harley says with surprise as Catwoman fingers the whip at her side and adjusts the bag on her shoulder.

"Harley? What the hell are you doing here and who-,"

Catwoman looks at the camera suddenly and starts walking towards it quickly until her body, which shows a front seat view of her enormous cleavage, fills the frame.

"Are you recording this?!" Catwoman bellows and then the video stops.

 _Shit! The author is back I guess I should hand over the reigns, had fun being in your head, readers!_

Harley's POV

"Yah, we were, uh, recordin' stuff fer our YouTube channel!" I exclaimed as I stared on at Selina flippin' Kyle. I hadn't seen her in FOREVER! We had some good times back in the day!

{What?! How'd I miss this?}

"I don't think I was psycho enough yet then, Bernie…we weren't acquainted yet!" I answered as I looked over to Selina who moved the goggles to rest atop her head and rose an eyebrow at me.

"Who's Bernie? And who the hell are you?" Selina asked as she looked from me and then to Deadpool. Deadpool tripped forward and saluted, then held out his hand.

"Deadpool's the name and mercin' is the game and my GOD do you have the most amazing rack I've ever seen," Deadpool proclaimed as his head tilted down to look at Selina's very large and somewhat exposed gazoongahs that pushed against the zipper of her suit. I furrowed my eyebrows; I actually didn't like the way Deadpool was actin' with her…not at ALL. I reached out a hand and smacked Deadpool on the back of the head, he jolted and looked over at me before cowerin' away like a scolded puppy.

Selina just stared on at Deadpool for a moment and shook her head, ignoring him.

"You know what, I'm not even going to ask," she proclaimed before turnin' to look back at me.

"You know, you should meet my good pal Wolverine…you two have a lot in common. You with the whole…meow thing, he with the whole woof thing."

Deadpool said as he crossed his arms and placed a finger on his chin as if in thought. Selina just rolled her eyes in disgust and didn't say another word.

"What were ya doin' here, Selina?" I asked, tiltin' my head at her and gazin' at the bag on her shoulder. I already knew why she was here…more than likely, she just robbed the place blind. DAMN was she good, no alarms or nothin', and waltzed out the front door to boot! Just PURE class!

"Oh you know…mama had an itch that needed scratching. I find if I heist every other month or so, it keeps me off 'ol Batboy's radar. He's even more of a buzzkill since he got together with Supersnatch," Selina grimaced as she rolled her eyes. I frowned slightly, actually not having had a problem with the super girly one.

"The place is swept clean; Sweety…I wouldn't even bother at this point," Selina said, idly as she peered at her nails, flicking a bit of lint into the air.

"Naw, that's okay there's plenty o' places to-," I started to say before my words were cut off by a huge black van suddenly pulling up behind Selina. The door slid open and two men reached out and yanked Selina into the van before she even had a chance to realize what was happening and then the van peeled away. Deadpool and I both stood there frozen for a moment, blinkin'.

"What the FUCK just happened?!" Deadpool bellowed as I watched the van disappear into the distance.

"I think…Selina just got kidnapped!" I answered as I turned to see the bag she was carryin' lyin' all lonely like in the alley. I started to walk towards it.

"So, I mean, should we…you know, go after her? Rescue her…or something?" Deadpool stammered as I peered into the bag with all the loot that Selina stole; had to 'ave been at least 30 grand wortha jewels!

"Nah, Selina can handle herself…besides, if we were to go rescue her, it'd be detrimental to the progression of the next story in the series!" I proclaimed as both Deadpool and I did the same action at the same time.

 _Wink_.

"Whew…I was worried there for a second, thought I'd have to be all heroic and shit," Deadpool said, pretendin' to wipe sweat from his brow. I hoisted the bag on my shoulder and started to walk down the street. Deadpool suddenly stopped, eyeballin' a metal placard on the nearby building.

"Well, that's convenient," Deadpool stated and I tilted my head at the placard.

"This…is where my goons for money hold their meetings," Deadpool said and my face slowly formed into a grin.

"Time for our super cool, slow-mo infiltrating the compound moment, isn't it?" I asked, adjusting the bag and mallet on my shoulders.

"Fuck yeah it is."


	8. Rock You Like a Hurricane

Deadpool's POV

Harley and I purposely sprinted down the street a-ways from where I ran across the building where I knew the goons I was looking for held their meetings. We did this because, well…a slow-mo walk up entrance needs space! The two of us began to walk down the street, looking cool as fucking shit, the song, "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by Scorpions, blazing inside our heads. That's what we were getting ready to do, rock these motherfuckers like a motherfucking hurricane! I rolled my shoulders and did a little 'Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee' action before the shrill voice of my psychotic princess rung through my eardrums.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!"

%Ok that just completely threw off our vibe!%

I turned my head to look at her over my shoulder as she danced around with her knees turned in towards one another. I tilted my head at her actions thinking, is that the…potty dance?

"I gotstah pee!" Harley explained, and now it all made sense!

{When you got to go, you got to go.}

"And I am not one to deny nature's call in the least!" I said as I immediately started looking for a secluded corner in an alley somewhere. Once I found the darkest spot possible, I led her over and presented the spot to her as if it were a tropical beach location. Harley stared at the area and then looked over at me.

"What-am-I s'posed to do with a dark cornah of an alley?" She asked innocently as I scratched my masked head.

"Well, you know…pop a squat." Harley's eyes widened suddenly as she punched my shoulder with the cutest little tiger cub growl; I had to stifle a laugh.

"I might stuff my face full-ah wieners but I do have SOME dignity, Poolbrain!" Harley said as she started to do the potty dance again.

%Heehee…stuff her face full of wieners…teehee.%

"Well I-," I started to say as I turned to go one way, then redirected myself in another direction, not really certain where to look for an available potty room for this damsel in distress.

"I don't know, you think McDonald's would let you use theirs or- I mean?" I stammered and then I threw my hands to the skies in desperation.

"A little help please?!" I bellowed before suddenly, I heard Harley's excited voice from around the corner of the alley.

"I found a Port-a-Potty!" Harley bellowed as I clasped my hands together as if praying to some unforeseen deity and shook them at the skies. I trotted over to the other side of the portable glass throne as Harley relieved herself of her overfilled liquids. When she exited, she saw me currently peeing on a nearby wall behind the potty and she bellowed.

"Hey, sick-o, ya couldah waited to use the facilities, ya know!" she chastised, as I am PRETTY fucking certain I caught her attempting a glimpse of my pecker as I stuffed it back into my suit with a clearing of my throat.

%Ho, boy…better not tell her about that dump we took further down the alley!%

"When ya gotta go, ya gotta go, Sweetcheeks. Feel better?" I asked holding my hands on my hips, awaiting a reply.

"Much! Let's do this!" she said while giving a firm head nod.

With that, we were back at it again…"Rock You Like a Hurricane", starting in the spot it left off in our brains; my hands rose to stroke the katana handles at my back and I was getting ready to do a cross grab for both of my pistols from their holsters when suddenly-

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!" Harley bellowed as I stopped dead in my tracks, the song coming to a screeching hault and my head and shoulders fell downward.

"Yes, my Vehement Vixen?" I asked as I turned to look at her. Her palms splayed open towards me, a look of disgust on her face.

"I forgot to wash mah digits!" she stammered as I reached into a pouch on my belt to produce a little bottle of antibacterial gel. I squeezed some into her palm with an audible sloshing sound and watched her rub her hands together.

"Good?" I looked at her, thinking that sure this woman was hot as shit but I needed my god damned entrance, woman!

"Perfect!" She answered as I inwardly sighed in relief.

"Now let's do this, _for real_ , for real this time!" she added as she adjusted the mallet on her shoulder, and hugged Bernie and 'Pinky', as she had named the monkey, to her bountiful milk bags. Off we were again on our epic slow-mo walk of bad assery! Harley's pigtails swayed back and forth as she smiled, suddenly pulling a lollipop out of I don't know where, and started to suggestively suck and lick at it. While my attention was completely drawn to this bout of eroticism occurring at my side, I hadn't noticed the random piece of wood lying in the middle of the alley as I tripped…still in slow-mo, as Harley tossed Bernie and Pinky, as well as the mallet aside. Her hands reached 'outside of frame' to return with an AK-47 gripped firmly in her palms. She then proceeded to attach a belt around her waist that harbored half dozen additional magazines for aforementioned assault rifle.

%Holy shit balls! She totally just stole the ENTIRE slow-mo show.%

All I could do was stand there and stare as Harley propped the butt of the rifle on her hip, picked up the mallet with her other hand and rested it on her opposite shoulder. She proceeded to work the lollipop around in her mouth as if she were taking drags off a stogie. "Rock You Like a Hurricane" slowly came to an end in our brains as Harley looked over at me with a raise of her eyebrows.

"Ready to do this, Poolness?" she asked me as I shook my head, still not able to will my muscles to move.

"I'd ask you where you were keeping that rifle all this time but I am so horny, terrified, and overwhelmed with emotion, I can barely formulate a sentence let alone figure out how to walk…," I stammered as Harley giggled at me.

"Yer cute when yer all mystified," she said, which did NOT help my current situation in the least. I had to get my head back in the game, as it was way past show time for this paying mercenary gig. I cleared my throat as I moved to step up beside her, drawing my pistols as I did so.

"This is SO going to be fucking continued, my dear," I said to her before planting a boot firmly into the door in front of us, she and I not hesitating to step inside guns, pointed at the ready. All the goons were sitting around at various tables, playing cards, counting money, or just being fucking idiots, who were now caught completely off guard. They all leapt to their feet as we entered, reaching for their weapons.

"Helllllooooo goons! We are here to storm your castle! Please don't-," I started to stammer when Harley's mallet suddenly collided into a nearby goon's face, causing it to turn into a pile of red moosh.

"Hey! I'm supposed to attempt to talk them to death before I actually PUT them to death; it's…kind of my thing," I said as I emphasized my point with my guns, my hand gesturing them about. Harley looked over at me with a small shrug before blowing a strand of hair from her eyelashes.

"I got bored," she said meekly as I nodded once, raising my guns back up.

"On three? Oh…and keep one alive, supposed to get some stupid information off of him or something." Harley nodded in agreement, as she raised the rifle, awaiting my countdown.

"Three…two…," I didn't get a chance to get to three as a bullet was planted into my shoulder. My eyes slowly panned down to look at the new bullet hole before gazing back forward.

"Guess I had that coming…," was all I said before Harley and I unleashed a chaotic barrage of bullets in the goons' directions.

%Woohoooooooo!%

Harley's POV

I held the rifle firmly in my mitts as I swayed from left to right, allowin' the bullets to find their home in any body part or person that happened to cross their path. As I ran out of ammo, I yanked one of the magazines from my belt and quickly switched them out, my eyes catchin' sight of one of the goons makin' an attempt to peg me fullah lead as I reloaded. I dropped my carcass to the ground and slid on my knees until I was driftin' underneath 'im, the rifle shootin' all the while as I did so. I raised back up to my feet, squishin' my face at the man.

"Yeesh, hope ya didn't want lil humans!" I bellowed, before turnin' just in time to see one goon runnin' up behind me with…what the- a _sword_? I held the rifle up above my head to block the first slash from the sword before I ran over to Deadpool. I grabbed one of his pig stickers, and turned back around in time to block another blow. Considerin' I was more of a firearms and smashin' kinda gal…I decided to put a stop to this scharade right then and there as my foot came up to collide right into the man's junkbox. As the man bent forward in pain, I twirled the katana and took the head right off! I skipped back over to Deadpool with the head held in my hand by the hair. I tapped Deadpool on the shoulder, holdin' the head up and usin' my other hand to make the jaw move. I lent my voice to the floatin' head:

"'Scuse me, sir! I seemed to have lost me marbles, can ya help me find 'em?" the head said as Deadpool let out a shrill scream and shot the head smack dab in the forehead. I quickly dropped the head as my eyes widened to Deadpool.

"Holy cran-e-olee! It's just me Poolboy!" I winked at him as he look relieved. I wiped his sword off on his suit, considerin' his was red after all, before slidin' the sword back in it's home at Deadpool's back.

Deadpool's POV

%Oh em geeee she just used our katana to slice a dude's HEAD OFF!%

"I am FULLY aware of that, but if I get any more of a hard-on then I already have...I'm going to have to drop trou right here RIGHT now, no matter HOW fucked up that would actually be! FUCK!" I bellowed as I took one knee in front of the approaching goon and punched him straight in the dick. As I stood up and his head fell forward in pain right towards my gun, I lodged a bullet into his skull.

{I think we have a lot of pout up energy we're about to work off…}

%Don't forget to leave one ALIVE!%

I holstered my pistols before unsheathing my katanas and proceeded to slice and dice the motherfucking shit out of anybody who approached me. Limbs were flying, blood was spewing, bullets were flying in and out of my torso, and I didn't stop until a familiar mallet came into view. I held both katanas in hand as I peered at Harley over the top of the mallet; a single eyebrow was raised on her face.

"You okay there, Poolness?" she asked as I shrugged, blood dripping from the ends of my katanas in streams.

"Never been better, why?" I said as she pointed behind me and I slowly turned around to take in my handy work.

"Just that…it looks like that movie '300' in here, s'all. Not that I'm complainin'," Harley said with a grin as I nodded slowly in approval of my bloodbath.

"Oh take a looksies!" Harley continued as she stepped aside to show a slightly battered goon tied to a chair. I sheathed my katanas and rubbed my gloved hands together as I approached the goon, leaning on the arm rests of the chair he sat in so our faces were inches apart.

"Ooh we're gonna have some fun with you!" I started before I began pacing back and forth.

"Harley…the lights please," I said to Harley as she shot me a quizzical look, obviously not getting what I was asking for.

"But…how we gonna see 'em?" she asked and I shook my head rapidly, holding a finger up to the goon.

"One…moment. I need to confer with my cooky counterpart," I said as I approached Harley, whispering to her what I wanted her to do and she replied with wide eyes and an approving nod before running off to the light switches. I returned to the goon and soon, only one single light was illuminated in the room, the light above the goon, and I moved into the light, now sporting a fedora atop my masked head. So fucking '30's noir style, I wanted to fan-boy scream like crazy! I leaned into him again, pointing a finger at him.

"Who do you work for?" I asked and the man smirked.

"Like I'll tell you two psychopaths," he responded and then suddenly, Harley's mallet came crashing down on the man's food as he screamed in agony.

"Poolboy asked you a question, Bozo!" Harley bellowed, placing the mallet back on her shoulder.

"Thank you, Harley," I said to her as she gave a firm nod, narrowing her eyes at the goon.

"My, my…looks like no more daddy/daughter dances for you, tough shot…now, again, who do you work for?" I asked as the man whimpered in pain. Between moans, he attempted to answer.

"Look, I can't tell ya that…he'll fucking KILL me," the man responded and I let out a sigh.

"Well WE are going to fucking kill you regardless, so you may as well do one last good deed and spill the beans!" I bellowed as the man continued to whimper. Suddenly, Harley stepped forward.

"Where were ya born and raised?!" she screamed and I looked at her, bewildered.

"Harl, I highly doubt that's relev-," I started to say before she shoved a hand into the man's shoulder harshly which made him actually start to cry.

"Answer the question!" The man swallowed before hesitantly answering.

"The city. S-South Detroit," he stammered and Harley's eyes grew wide as did mine. This is when the goon seemed to be but background noise as Harley and I started to do our best rendition of "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.

Harley ran her hair through her pigtails as she pretended to sing into a microphone in her hand.

"Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world…she took the midnight train going anywheeeere," she sang as she looked over to me for the next verse.

"Just a city boy…," I pointed at the goon. "Born and raised in south Detrooooit. He took the midnight training going anywheeere." The goon looked around him like he had no idea what was happening, but Harley and I were far too invested to pay him any mind.

"A singer in a smokey room, smell of wine and CHEAP perfuuuume." Harley continued to sing as she swayed her hips back and forth and looked on at me. I could see the goon starting to move around in his chair as if he were going to attempt to escape and I pointed my pistol at him, shooting him once in his kneecap. Even his bellowing screams weren't enough to stop this deadly duet currently happening.

"For a smile they can share the night. It goes on and on and on and oooooon," I sang before I skipped over to Harley as we pressed our backs together, singing the next verse in unison.

"Strangers, waiting. Up and down the boulevard. Their shadows, searching in the night. Street light people. Living just to find emotion. Hiding somewhere in the-," we sang and then pointed at the goon.

"Sing this part with us, bud!" I yelled as the man whimpered. I frowned behind my mask as I raised the gun to shoot him in the other kneecap and all three of us finished off the verse in absolute perfect harmony.

"-niiiiiiiight!"

Harley then began to twirl in circles as the small musical interlude continued in our heads, me grabbing Harley's rifle to use as a make-shift air guitar, dropping to my knees in complete' rock the fuck out mode'. Suddenly, the most eerie…damned laughter I have ever heard in my life echoed off the walls of the empty warehouse. I saw Harley's whole body tense as her feet went pigeon toed and her hands nervously played at her pigtails.

%I don't wear the pants in this relationship, but I am pretty sure I just pissed in them.%

A form slowly immerged from the shadows, slow clapping as it did so.

"Oh beautiful serenade, Harls, I am in tears…absolute TEARS," the still slightly hidden in fucking shadow, mysterious figure said. I strained my neck, attempting to see who the hell this asshat was.

"P-Puddin'?" I heard Harley say…her voice sounding different all of the sudden, like…that of a lost little girl or something. What the actual fuck was happening?

"One and only. So tell me…who's the new guy?" I heard the figure ask as he fully came into the light. It was about this time, I passed out for the 2nd time in 24 hours.


	9. I'm Not In Love

Deadpool's POV

{We better wake up, this dickwad is mackin' on our girl!}

I slowly sat up with a groan, holding onto my masked head. As my vision slowly cleared and my hearing returned, I viewed Harley and the pale as shit, creep-o clown with bright ass green hair talking, well no…yelling, at one another.

"Ya don't OWN me! Whenayah gonna get that through yer thick skull?! It…is…OVER," she bellowed as she planted her hands firmly on her hips.

I slowly stood to my feet, the distress my ditzy damsel was currently spewing gave me adrenaline enough to get over the fact that one of the creepiest fucking clowns I've ever seen was two feet away from me. I slowly began to creep up behind the ass-clown.

"Harl…sweetheart, we just needed a bit of time apart! You and me, we're like an axe and murder, they just make sense!" the clown stammered and then it suddenly dawned on me.

%Wait a minute…didn't she mention something about a crazy, psycho ex-boyfriend being here?%

I audibly gasped as I put my hands to my masked mouth. The clown whipped around to look at me with a scowl. I pointed to the clown and used my other hand to shield my mouth as if that would keep him from hearing what I was going to ask Harley.

"Harley…your crazy, psycho ex is a fucking _clown_?!" I loudly whispered as she gave me a nervous laugh and a half smile.

"Yeees?" she answered and I gripped my masked skull with both of my hands, paced a moment or two and then took four long strides forward. I pointed behind me at the clown while leaning forward into Harley's face.

"You've had a clown pecker….in… _side_ you?" I asked with a shutter and she crossed her arms over her chest and made a _psh_ sound with her mouth.

%Psh? Why is she pshing?%

"Barely…," Harley answered.

%Oooooh…BURN!%

I left out the loudest most obnoxious laugh possible as I turned to face the clown, pointing sternly at his creepy ass face. He was trying his hardest to ignore my purposely annoying noise as he looked at his fingers and idly pretended to pick at his cuticles with a roll of the eyes.

"Harl, please tell me you aren't actual _with_ this raging imbecile," the clown said as his eyes suddenly attempted to cut into my very soul. Harley crossed her arms over her chest, looking up to the ceiling as if trying to contemplate an answer to this question.

"Well, not exa-," she started to say and oh no, there was NO way I was letting her let this freakshow have any bout of fucking satisfaction, so I cut her off.

"And what if she is?" I said crossing my arms over my chest, taking a firm stance in front of him. This was an odd feeling, a feeling like I wanted to be the Kevin Costner to Harley's, Whitney Houston ala The Bodyguard. Or the fucking Robin Hood to her Maid Marian!

%We are so fucking whipped!%

"Well then I'd have to kill you…more than likely, slowly and oh so very painfully," the clown said as he stepped closer to me, actually daring to put his nose inches from my own.

{How are we not shitting our pants right now? We HATE clowns!}

%Because our dame is in need of some macho stand up!%

"I'd like to see you fucking try, Casper," I said without moving a single muscle, despite the fact that my inner conscious was screaming like a little girl due to the creepy and terrifying nature of this stupid dude's face.

"Harl, bring me your mallet," the clown dared to ask of Harley as I turned to look at her. What about this guy made my usually bubbly, crazy, super sexy princess act all unsure, scared, and vulnerable? She shook her head lightly, crossing her arms over her chest as if protecting herself and started to take a few steps back.

"I-I don' think so….J-Joker. Not this time," she muttered and I couldn't help but laugh again at this dude's so unamazing 'villain' name.

"Joker? That's your name… _Joker_? That is SO fucking lame!" I bellowed as I leaned forward on my knees, laughing so hard, trying to catch my breath. Joker growled as he stomped towards Harley suddenly as she back pedaled into a nearby wall. Joker's hand came up to her throat as he pinned her against the wall.

"Disobeying me? Calling me….Joker? What…gives, Harley? Is this all because of _him_?" he growled at her as Harley's hands came up to the Joker's hands that were currently crushing her throat. I didn't understand it, she was super strong, she could just throw him off of her, but she didn't. Deadpool to the motherfucking rescue my friends, because fuck to the no with all this bullshit. I raised a pistol to the side of Joker's head and stood firm on my ground.

"Back…the fuck…up," I said simply as I watched Joker's head slowly turn to look at me and the pistol with the evilest, fucked up grin I have ever seen in my life. So creepy in fact, that I felt my knees go weak for a moment.

{Oh no, don't we fucking DO it! Our lady needs us right now!}

I fought back the urge to pass out and throw up all at the same time as Joker released Harley from his death grip and moved his focus to me. He pushed his forehead into the barrel of my pistol and started pushing us further away.

"Who…do you…think you are?" Joker asked as I tilted my head at him.

"My name is Deadpool. You've threatened my princess…now prepare to die," I said, finding my inner Inigo Montoya. I shivered visibly as Joker left out another one of those creepy ass laughs. My vision started to narrow and the pistol dropped but for a moment as I fought to stay conscious, which gave Joker enough time to get a good hard hook shot right into the side of my face.

Harley's POV

What was WRONG with me? Joker and I hadn't been togethah in over THREE years and the minute he shows up I turn intah a big pile of moosh! Ivy would be incredibly pissed at me right now, that much I know! Although, I realized I wasn't really as concerned with how 'ol Red would feel about it as I was the other one in red…Deadpool. I looked over to the man who was clearly, currently defendin' my honor in time to see him shovin' Jokah's face into his butt cheeks as a loud, audible fart echoed across the walls. I bit my lip as I smiled and idly started to play at one of my pigtails.

{Face it, Sweetcheeks, you are in l-o-v-e!}

Holy cupid-a-ronie…was I really? My lips slowly started to part as I continued to watch the two fight…the whole world seemed to dissolve away and all I saw was this halo 'a light surroundin' my equally as crazy and ruthless Pooley's body. The world went into slow-mo and all I could think of was the song, "I'm Not In Love," by 10cc as I tried to deny how I truly feltabout this freakin' knucklehead.

{Oh a 70's love ballad…whatta ya know.}

Joker's green locks were all over dah place as he clenched his fists with a growl before chargin' at Deadpool after receivin' that face fullah butt juice. Suddenly, Joker removed a small gun from his trousahs and shot Pooley straight in the chest thumper. My whole body tensed, until rememberin'….you could blow this guy to smithereens and he'd still be alive! Deadpool paused a moment, startin' to stumble around as if the bullet affected him, leavin' Joker to feel pretty darn satisfied with himself as he even started to walk back towards me. Deadpool reached into the new hole in his chest and removed the bullet. He flung it at the back of Joker's head, as Joker's eyes grew wide as saucers and he slowly turned around to see a very alive Deadpool wavin' at 'im.

"Gonna take a lot more than _that_ to get rid of me….' _Pudding_ '," Pooley retorted, drivin' the knife even deeper by usin' my once endearin' term for my ass of an ex against 'im. Joker growled loudly, clearly distraught.

"What…ARE YOU?!" he bellowed and Deadpool pointed at himself.

"Who me? Oh I'm a motherfuckin' hurricane," he answered and yup…pretty sure there was an entire ocean in my underoos. I had officially jumped outta the plane with no parachute, with only the sheer obsession with my new accomplice as a lifeline.

{Harley and Deadpool sittin' in a tree…k-i-s-s-i-n-g.}

Oh I wanted to do a whole hell of a lot more with this dude then kissin'!

Deadpool's POV

%Can we kill him? We should kill him soooo hard%

{Mmmm…I don't think we can!}

%Whaaaaaaaa%

"All I will say is…Joker…," I began to say but couldn't help but start to snicker at the name Joker again before I cleared my throat, getting back to serious mode. Why so serious? Because it's the Joker after all!

%Hahaha…we so slay ourselves!%

"…you are lucky that you are an arch nemesis to a certain flying rodent and that to kill you, would be like altering the sands of time," I said to him as his eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment before I turned my head away from him to speak to you guys, the readers!

 _See folks this is why I am really not THAT bad of a guy, I KILL my enemies. I don't just repeatedly throw them in jail or a mental asylum and just hope and assume that they'll never escape! The whole 'not killing' rule is SO overrated!_

I looked back to Joker who was still looking in the direction I was, expecting to see a ghost or something I would guess. He turned his head over his shoulder to look at Harley.

" _This_ is who you chose, over me? I never thought I'd say this but…he's crazier than I am!" Joker bellowed and Harley smiled, twirling her finger through her pigtails again, all girly like. Wait-what?! Is my Harley-kin-kins back?!

"Eeyeah, he's also got a cuter arse, a bigger sausage, knows martial arts, knows how to treat a gal, his name is SO much cooler, he introduced me to chimi-chongos, and oh yeah…his skin is the color of actual skin!" Harley stammered and my jaw all but dropped behind my mask at all the words that sprang from her sexy, pouty, juicy lips that I wanted to do nothing more to right now then kiss so fucking hard both our heads exploded.

%OH-EHM-GEE…does she like us now?! I think that all meant she actually LIKES us!%

{Let's wrap this up, Romeo…we got some tail to tap!}

Joker was apparently just as shocked as I was as I cleared my throat and tapped his shoulder so he'd turn back to face me.

"So I can't kill you, but I can most certainly incapacitate you for an extended period of time." I said, as I dropped to one knee and sucker punched him right in the balls. I then froze a moment, realizing that Joker didn't react to this…at all, rather he laughed, that stupid creepy clown laugh again! I furrowed my eyebrows behind my mask and punched him again, and again, and…ok this was fucking ridiculous.

"Jesus- how _small_ is it?!" I bellowed my face moving to be within inches of his crotch before his knee collided into my face, sending me reeling backwards onto my ass.

"I'm getting SICK of your mouth!" the Joker bellowed and I spun up onto my feet, adjusting my mask with a smirk.

"Oh, if I had a chimichanga for every time I heard that…I could retire with a chimichanga stand," I said and decided for once, enough talking. I had a super-hot, psycho princess who was currently waiting on me to rock her world, now that she finally realized how fucking amazing I truly am.

Joker went to throw a punch at me and this time I raised my own fist and slammed it straight into his own, which left out an amazing crunching sound that somehow always managed to give me a slight erection. Joker growled in pain as he went to punch me with his other hand and to that, I answered with one of my katanas. I unsheathed one of the swords, did a little twirly move and cut his hand straight the fuck off. He'd make do without it. Joker's eyes went wide as saucers before he left out an angered yelp that sounded like a mix between a cat being strangled and an elephant mating. It was quite a sound!

"What the hell have you done?!" Joker bellowed as he fell to his knees, holding his newly created, overly bleeding stump. I stepped forward and patted his shoulder as if consoling someone who just put their dog down.

"There, there…just think of all the cool villain things you could do with it now. You could attach a hook, or a wooden peg, or OOOOO a clown horn!" I raised my hand up to the air as if pressing on a clown horn and made a _squonk, squonk_ sound. He looked up at me weakly, clearly not amused, when one of his goons suddenly came running in, a look of horror splayed across his features upon seeing his defeated boss.

"Oh hey! Perfecting timing! You might want to take yourself and your boss out of here, otherwise I'll make you guys stub twinsies," I said to the goon as he scampered over to his boss with the utmost speed, helping him to his feet. As they started to walk away, Joker looked over his shoulder and yelled.

"This isn't over Harl!" Joker yelled and I shook my head from side to side.

"Ah, go fuck yourself! Oh oooo…might be a little more difficult now, huh?!" I bellowed and the last thing I heard from the Joker was a very angry, very annoyed growl. Suddenly, my body was turned around with great force as Harley gripped either side of my suit and pulled my head down to peer right into her face. She looked all hot and bothered and ready for some heated Deadpool action when suddenly she said breathlessly,

"Fight me!"


	10. Pony

Deadpool's POV

"Fight me," Harley had said, which completely threw me for a whirl, considering I thought we were getting ready to do the nasty and I had to shake my head in disbelief, staring at her from behind my mask.

"Wait, I'm sorry…what was that?" I asked, thinking that I had clearly not heard her correctly.

Harley's hands moved from my shoulders to lace into the bottom portion of my mask as she slowly started to roll it up. My hands hesitantly started to move towards her own in an attempt to stop her from removing my mask completely, because, well…I'd be lying if I said I kinda wanted the sex first, before she realized how revolting I was and wanted nothing to do with me. She stopped once she had my whole mouth revealed however, so I didn't see any reason to stop her.

"I want ya…to fight me, Pooley," she said as her lips suddenly crushed against my own and my eyebrows shot skyward from behind my mask. The kiss was deep, ravenous, and completely all over the place, as if the two of us had been celibate for a fucking lifetime.

%Squeeee I can't believe this is actually happening!%

I moved my arms to wrap around her amazing tight-ass body as she continued to ravish me with her mouth and then suddenly, she pulled away. My lips continued to make the motions of kissing as I flittered my eyes open in confusion as to why we were stopping. Suddenly, a fist collided straight into my face and a girly giggle escaped from Harley as she bit her lower lip, clearly aroused by this action. She stepped forward and suddenly took my entire man package in her hand with a bit of force as I grunted, a sense of pain and lust overwhelming me. She leaned forward, licking her lips seductively as she tilted her head at me, beginning to massage my naughty bits as she did so, which made me whimper.

"Pooley, I want ya….to _fight_ me. Pweeeeeease?" she whined as she batted her eyelashes several times at me.

{This chick is batshit crazy.}

%I know isn't it amaaaaaaaazing?!%

Okay, I'd play her game….she could take it, and I had to admit, fighting for foreplay was a fucking hot as hell idea. I tilted my head at her before beginning this sexy showdown.

"Just so you know…my name is Wade. You'll need to know that when you're screaming it later," I stated simply as I watched Harley's face light up and she continued to bite at her lip. My hands shoved roughly into her shoulders, sending her tripping over her own feet backwards. At first, she looked surprised and then her new look explained it all: it was on like Donkey Kong. She grabbed for her mallet and had the most, maniacal, sexy, fucking grin I have ever seen in my life spread across her face. I held my hands out to either side, waiting for her next move, expecting her to swing the mallet at me, but instead she launched the entire thing at me at such a quick speed I hadn't time to dodge.

"Fuck!" I bellowed as the mallet collided into my stomach and sent me launching half way across the warehouse into a nearby wall. My body slumped to the ground and I left out a groan, pulling myself to my feet.

{Lest we forget…she's super strong.}

A hole was suddenly formed in the wooden beam inches from where my head was; a bullet hole to be exact. My eyes widened behind my mask as my head darted over in her direction. I thought this was about fist fighting, I hadn't expected her to bring out the heavy artillery. I stood straight up and threw my hand out in reference to her pistol.

"Where did that even fucking come from?!" I asked sincerely.

%Heehee this just keeps getting better and better!%

Harley's eyebrows rose to the skies in answer before she shot another round between my legs only inches below my third katana. I looked down with a whimper and then shot my head back up, narrowing my eyes as I drew both my pistols. Two could play this game. I started firing round after round at Harley as she dipped, dodged, flipped and slid across the ground in avoidance.

%Man, do I wish I was the one with the BODY!%

Harley left out a high-pitched squeal followed by a giggle as I popped the magazines out of each of my pistols, replacing them with fresh ones, the hard-on in my pants getting fucking firm as concrete. My head was down for but a moment as I did this action before, suddenly my body was shoved into a nearby wall, my back pressed against it, and Harley's boobs pressed into my chest as she kissed me again…hard. The tip of her pistol dragged its way up my side until it was pointed straight under my chin. I heard the trigger *click* as no round escaped. Harley slowly pulled away, my bottom lip caught between her teeth as she stretched it as far as it would go without ripping it from my fucking skull, a bit of blood escaping. She grinned at me.

"Did you know it was empty?" I asked quizzically, eyeing the gun still pointed at my cranium.

"Would it have mattahed?" she asked, tilting her head at me. It really wouldn't have considering I'd just heal, I guess.

"Well, no…but it is the _principal_ behind the thing...I guess?" I answered and she left out a giggle again as her hands darted behind my head, grabbing both of my katanas from my sheath. She skipped a few feet in front of me and then tossed me one of the swords. I caught it with ease and tossed it around in my palm as I watched Harley start to move seductively, using my katana as an accomplice. She splayed the sword across her shoulders, sharp side up, as she spread her legs far apart and rotated her hips around in one circular motion, my head following every hill and curve as she did so. She then rose the sword vertical and proceeded to lick her tongue slowly up the dull edge of the blade and my jaw dropped behind my mask as a hand went to adjust my suit at the crotch.

Suddenly, things went back to fight mode as she slashed the sword toward me, my mind having been so fucked fogged from the phallic display Harley just gave, I almost didn't block the blow in time, but I'm motherfucking Deadpool after all! The two of us went into a katana slashing frenzy, blow for blow, slash for slash.

%I don't have the penis here but I'm pretty sure I just came.%

{Of all the voices in the world, how did I get stuck with you?}

%Ooooh you LOVE me!%

{Shut UP so we can enjoy this!}

I, of course, got the upper hand, knocking the sword from Harley's grasp as I backpedaled her into a nearby wall with my katana hesitating at her throat. My other hand wrapped around both of hers and I lifted them up and over her head. We both stood there staring at one another, panting like a couple of dogs in heat. She bit the air in front of me with a grin and then proceeded to lick her lips before tilting her head.

"Ya want some Harley Pie, baby?" she asked and I found myself just nodding slowly and then more vigorously in response as her knee began to raise between my legs, rubbing my no-no spot once it landed there.

"Then strip fer me!" she retorted and I continued to nod, not fully processing what she just said, before I shook my head rapidly.

"Wait- come again?" I asked, lowering my sword and returning both of them to the sheath at my back.

"Ya heard me…I want ya to strip fer me. Like yer Magic friggin' Mike," she answered as she skipped over to a nearby wooden crate and hopped up onto it, crossing her legs and leaning back on her hands. She rose her eyebrows at me. I rubbed the back of my masked head.

"You're serious?" I asked and she bounced one of her legs up and down with a wide grin.

"Deadly," she responded and I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath. Okay…we can do this. No problem, we've done crazier, right? I started to gyrate my hips, channeling my inner Channing Taint-um. I did a little twirl move and dropped down to the ground and proceeded to dry hump the floor as I continued to gyrate my hips. I imagined that song 'Pony' by Ginuwine and everything!

%Wait, have we done this before?%

{Have we imagined a song NOT from the 80s this entire story before?}

Harley seemed pleased as she clapped her hands enthusiastically and bounced up and down on the crate.

"Ow, ow! Whatta preview!" she shouted, smiling from ear to ear, which only encouraged me as I started to remove my gloves and sauntered my way over to her, masculine-like of course. I jumped up onto the crate and put a leg on either side of her as I slowly guided her to lie back on the crate and my hips continued to gyrate in front of her face before I spun and jumped off, my back turned to her. My hand lifted to the back zipper of my suit and I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing…fully prepared for her to run for the hills or vomit…or vomit WHILE running for the hills. I slowly unzipped the suit as I peeled it from my shoulders and stopped just above my ass.

"Take it ALL off, ya sexy mofo!" Harley bellowed, clearly not grossed out…yet. I swayed my hips a bit before pulling the suit down and off completely, struggling a bit as I got to my boots and tried my best not to look too much like an idiot as I kicked them off, and then I slowly turned around to face her, complete in birthday suit, minus my face.

Harley's POV

I leaped right off that crate once the glory that was Deadpool's rock hard body stood in frontah me. Holy muscles! I'd been bangin' such a scrawny, skinny, chump fer so long; I'd forgotten how ripply dudes could be! I extended my mitts and ran mah fingers over his goodies. His abs, his forearms, and good GOD those shouldahs, mmmm! His entire body looked like it'd been burnt or somethin', but quite frankly, I didn't give a hoot! This guy was hot, swirlin' in a tub of butterscotch, and I wanted a taste, right meow! I grinned up at him as I continued to run my hands over any part I liked.

"Oooo, ribbed for her pleasure…I like it. Mask, now, come on, don't be shy," I cooed at him as he tilted his head, watchin' me. He turned his head away as he took off the mask, but when he turned back around, instead of his Deadpool mask, he had a unicorn mask on and I put my hands on my hips, although I actually kinda liked it. NO, no! I wanted to see the face of the man I planned to screw the brains out of, for a proposed long period of time!

"Imma take a rain check on that one, but I want to see YOU, Wade," I said sincerely and I watched as his shoulders slumped.

"You do realize that all of this…doesn't stop at my neckline, right?" he asked, referring to his scars in a muffled voice as the unicorn mask bobbed back and forth. I was gettin' impatient, and reached forward to yank the mask off and grinned at him. So, what if he was bald and wrinkly? I freakin' LOVED it, it was so different! I stepped forward and kissed him with all my might as he pushed me back slightly, breakin' the kiss. What the hell was he doin'?!

"This…really doesn't bother you?" he asked, raisin' his eyebrows, well, if he had any, as it was more like a raisin' of skin.

"Are you kiddin'? Ya did see my ex, right? Bleached skin, scarred on smile, bright-ass green hair?" I asked and he tilted his head back and forth.

"Well, good point, I ju-," he started to say and I slapped a hand over his mouth, lookin' up at him. If I didn't get his sausage in my cannoli soon…I was goin' to implode.

"Wade, just fer once in this story…shaddup," I said to him and I felt him smile behind my hand as I leaped up into his arms wrappin' my legs around his torso as he carried me over to that nearby crate, ploppin' me down.

Deadpool's POV

Holy shit, had this woman been hand sculpted and then given life or something?

{Pretty sure that was Wonder Woman.}

%Yeah that's a whole other story!%

Didn't matter if she was or wasn't, but this chick was a straight ass goddess in every sense of the word. We kissed ravenously as I slid her top from her taut bod and she shimmied off her little booty shorts. I sat up a moment to stare down at her bodacious fucking body, those perky plump boobs, that luscious clam just waiting for me to dive right into.

"Good God, you're gorgeous," I said down to her and then it turned into that scene from Top Gun, you know the one… 'Take my breath awaaaaay…' as I slowly lowered her head down to the non-existent pillow and I just as slowly moved my way atop her and we made sweet, sweet love, slowly ever so-hahaha I'm totally fucking with you. We're too crazy for that normal ass bullshit.

What really happened was: she smiled before reaching up to grab the back of my neck as she shoved my face right down to her pleasure mound with a giggle. Direct. I like that! I didn't hesitate to lap up her, 'Deadpool Lovin' Juice', my tongue flicking around every which way. Her hips kept repeatedly arching off the crate before her legs were suddenly wrapped around my neck and she twirled us both right off the crate and onto the floor. I landed on my back and Harley was on top of me, quick as a jackrabbit.

I held a hand out to either side of me as I landed with a grunt. I looked up at her as she landed on top of me; she took her nails and dragged them down the front of my chest, drawing blood and I growled. Is it that hard to believe that I'm a masochist? Nah, didn't think so. She smiled as she dipped her head down towards my boomstick and took it into her mouth, all the way to the back of her- oh god, I can't even think straight!

%Uh, should we take over – he's not telling the readers anything anymore!%

{*ahem* Our flesh flute slid down the back of her throat as she took all of us in and- hell I can't do this either}

%Heehee, flesh flute?%

Harley was a blowjob badass, but considering how long it had been since 'ol Deadpool had seen some love action, if I wanted any chance of diving into that snatch, I was going to have to stop her-FUCK! I suddenly leapt to my feet to Harley's surprise as I snatched her up into my arms. She left out a shriek and then a giggle as I bent her over the wooden crate, and plunged my baloney-pony straight home. Harley left out a shriek as one of her fists slammed down onto the crate.

"Oh, Yahtzee!" she bellowed as I gripped onto her hips for dear life and started our trip to pound town, right then and there. I grabbed one of her pigtails and gave it a light tug as her head tilted upward to look over her shoulder at me with a grin. I leaned forward, continuing to thrust as I whispered in her ear.

"I wanted to bend you over and screw your brains out the moment I saw dat ass in the alleyway," I said and she smiled, turning her head to speak to me.

"Oh yah? I wanted to screw yer brains out the moment I saw ya decapitate that goon in the alleyway." I stopped my thrusting for but a moment as I furrowed my non-existent eyebrows at her.

"And you didn't _say_ or do anything, this entire time?!" I asked…we could have been fucking like rabbits this entire story! She gave me a little pout.

"I know, I've been a naughty, naughty girl…maybe ya should spank me." I stood straight up and began to thrust again as I gave her rear a nice, crisp slap and she yelped in pleasure.

"I dunno, Pooley…I don't think I've quite yet understood the severity of my wrong-doin's, maybe ya should give it anothah go," Harley said to me and I couldn't help but smile as I repeatedly slapped dat ass and continued to thrust. I then slid out of her and grabbed onto her ribs, flipping her over to her back. She immediately raised her legs and wrapped them around me, pulling me towards her.

"Eager little minx, are we?" I said down to her and she bit at her knuckle.

"Well, with a custard launchah like that, can ya blame me?!" she answered as I grabbed onto her hips and shoved my heat-seeking-moisture-missile back into its sheath with a grunt. I wanted to see her face when she reached her crescendo and, well, truth be told, I wanted to see her boobies bounce as I fucked her too. After a few more thrusts, my prayers had been answered and Harley went into all out spasms beneath me.

"Gooooooooooal!" she bellowed as she came, and her clenching around my lap-rocket as she did so was enough to send me over my own edge, and I graciously did so! After the tremors had lapsed, I collapsed onto the crate beside Harley, both of us laying on our backs, staring up at the ceiling.

Harley's POV

That haddah been the most mind blowin' sex I've ever had in my life! Should I tell him that? Nah, not quite yet…make him work for it! One thing I _do_ know, I am completely and utterly obsessed with this goober now. He's the pickle to my dill, the candy to my cotton, the- oh, like it really surprises ya that I, Harley Quinn, would be obsessed over someone! Suddenly, Wade turned onto his side to peer down at me, his face becoming completely serious. Here it comes, the moment where 'ol Harl gets the boot after the man got what he wanted. Why does he think I didn't say anything right away? Ugh.

"We live in a cynical world, a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You…complete _us_. And I just had-," Wade said and I interrupted him just as I should, knowing my part in this and grinnin' from ear to ear at how silly this guy truly was.

"Shaddup. Just shaddup. Ya had me at decapitation. Ya had me at decapitation," I answered and then we kissed, and lived happily ever aftah, and all that jazz-a-molly!

Deadpool's POV

I broke from the kiss a moment as I turned my head to face the readers.

 _Wait, wait, while you're sitting there dabbing at your eyes with a Kleenex at the sheer beauty that is Harley and I's love, rest assured there will be one final bout of insanity for you to read in the Epilogue, so be sure to dazzle your senses with that piece of work. I know you just can't get enough of us!_


	11. The Part Where We Give You Closure

Deadpool's POV

I sliced a man's head off with my katanas before I slightly jumped, noticing that I was being watched by YOU, you pesky readers, so I turned to speak to you all.

"Oh, hey there, readers! Deadpool here. I see you couldn't get enough of my bodacious love story and you're back for more. That's the whole point of an epilogue, right? Skip over YEARS of someone's life and catapult to the real fucking good stuff? Oh, where's Harley you ask? Oh we broke up like two years ago. She was _really_ crimping on my bachelor lifestyle," I said with a slow nod as I shot a guy running up behind me in the face piece.

"I'm totally kidding! Of course we're still together! What am I, crazy?"

{Weeelllll…}

"Not THAT crazy to give up a piece of tail like Harley! In fact, she's 10 feet away from me right this very moment, making a cherry pie of some poor schmuck's skull with her mallet! In't that right, Sweetcheeks?!" I yelled over my shoulder as Harley's head perked up and trotted over, mallet positioned firmly on her shoulder. As she approached me, blood idly dripped from the head of the mallet and she tilted her head at me.

"What's right?" she asked and I pointed towards the readers. She looked in the reader's direction and a huge smile spread across her face.

"Oh, hi! Wadey, why didn' ya tell me we had comp'ny!" she bellowed as she adjusted her pigtails and nonchalantly tried to wipe the blood off her shoulder. Suddenly, her hand dipped down to my nether regions with a light whiney sound escaping her throat.

"I know our friends are here and all, Snickerdoodle, but I got a scratch that needs itchin'," she mentioned as my eyebrows rose to the skies.

"Here? Now?" I asked and she shrugged, looking around at all the dead bodies and blood everywhere.

"Never stopped us before…we'll just move some of the carcasses outta the way!" she exclaimed, and I nodded once, needing no further explanation for fun, schmexy time with the Harley-kins.

"I'll be right back, folks! Duty calls," I said as we turned our backs.

 _Later…_

I finished zipping up the crotch of my suit as Harley bounced around on one foot behind me, trying to balance and slip on her remaining boot.

"Where was I? Ah yes…so, for the past three years this has pretty much been Harley and I, we-," I started to say before Harley's head peeped over my shoulder.

"Three and a HALF," Harley corrected, holding up three fingers on one hand and half of a finger on the other.

"Oh, God…uh, yeah, three and a HALF," I said with a wince.

"Please don't cut my finger off, Sweety-kins," I said again with a wince as I looked at her from my peripherals.

%We are seriously SO fucking whipped. TOTALLY WORTH IT!}

"That's right, ladies! Wrap them around yer finger by threatenin' to lop off one-ah their's!" Harley said with a grin and I laughed nervously.

"Th-that's right!" I agreed and she reached a hand to pinch my masked cheek.

"Aw, yer so cute when yer appendages are in danger," she said and I reached up a gloved hand to idly pat the top of her head before clearing my throat to continue.

"So, the past three and a HALF years Harley and I have pretty much been causing blood baths and bumping uglies. Often times, one right after the other. There's just something about the smell of blood and gun powder in the air that just makes you wanna fuck!" I exclaimed as Harley put her hands on her hips with a firm nod.

"Darn tootin'!" she said as a tilted my head at her, surprised by her words.

"Well, that's a new one," I said as Harley shrugged.

"Eh, was tryin' it out…don't wanna get stale, and a gal can only say the same phrase so many times!" she said as I nodded in agreement and slipped my arm through hers as we began to escort ourselves from the building.

"We were actually JUST on our way to let one band of thugs know that we just took out another band of thugs and probably take out those thugs too. Why don't you join us?" I said with a wink.

 _Later, at the building with another band of thugs…_

I paused a moment outside of the building to make this much needed and important public service announcement.

"I should warn you that – well, remember in Chapter 8, when we did that lovely rendition of 'Don't Stop Believing?' We liked it so much, it kind of became our 'thing'…because who doesn't fucking like killing and karaoke, am I right?!" I bellowed as I turned towards the door, but then paused one more time, looking back over my shoulder.

"Oh and, uh…we've been on a bit of a 'Frozen' kick lately. You've been warned." I turned to the door and finally walked through as Harley and I stepped in, guns, mallets, and fucking pig stickers at the ready. As we stepped in, I immediately turn to Harley, completely ignoring all the confused goon fuckers that stared at us in the doorway.

"Okay, can I just say something crazy?" Harley said…and yes, we DID just immediately storm in and began the song, 'Love Is An Open Door'…but just wait kiddies, it gets better!

"I fucking LOVE crazy!" I said back to her as I hand gestured with pistol in hand.

"All my life has been a series of balls in mah face. And then suddenly, I bump into you!" Harley said as she booty bumped her ass into mine.

"I was thinking the same fucking thing, cause like, I've been searching my whole life to find my own place. And maybe it's your ass in those shorts or the gun in your hand, but with you…I found my place," I sang as I pointed at Harley's coochie.

"But with you…I see yer face," Harley sang at the same time, peeling up the bottom portion of my mask to give me a quick kiss.

"And it's nothin' like I've never known befooooore. Love is a bullet…," I began to sing as we both suddenly raised our pistols and started to shoot our only audience members who were too confused, shocked, and terrified to have stopped us.

"…hooooole. Love is a bullet….," Harley sang as she shot through one head, and the next.

"…hoOoOole. With you! With you!" I sang, idly skipping as I planted one bullet after the other and dodged the few bullets that managed to make their way near me.

"With you! With you! Love is a bullet hole…," she sang as we pressed our backs to each other, pistols aimed and at the ready for the next round of thugs.

"I mean it's fucking crazy…," I started to say.

"What?" Harley asked.

"We finish each other's-," I started to say.

"Chimichangas!" Harley bellowed as I turned around to face her, all giddy as I jumped up and down.

"That's what I was gonna say!" I exclaimed.

"I never met someone-," Harley began to sing.

"Who thinks so much like me!" I said as I tapped her cranium with the point of my gun. We then turned to shoot at the same guy, the poor fuck receiving two different bullet holes to the head and Harley and I looked at each other.

"Jinx!" we both said in unison and then we turned our attention to shoot at the same man again, this time, both bullets flying into his chest.

"Jinx again!" we both said, turning toward one another all giddy-like. We then started to move our limbs robotically as I grabbed one of Harley's boobs and she in turn moved to grab my ass.

"Our mental synchronization can have but one explanation," we sang together and then went back and forth, as we shot one thug per singing phrase.

"You," _BAM!_

"And I," _BANG!_

"Were," _BAM_!

"Just," _BANG_!

"Meant to be!" _BANG BANG_ ; as we sang together in unison.

"Say Goodbye…," we sang together as I shot another gun and waved at him.

"Bye-bye," I said to him.

"To the pain of the paaaast. We don't have to feel it anymore!" we sang together, staring into each other's eyes, raising our pistols getting ready to shoot again.

"Love is bullet-," we started to sing and then we stopped suddenly, noticing that all the bad guys were…well, dead. Harley frowned as she absently shot at the floor to finish our song lyric.

"…hole," she said meekly and then just as quickly a smile spread across her face.

"Well that was fun! I could use a drink! Yer buyin'!" she said as she turned to walk away and I quickly followed suit behind her.

 _Later at the bar…_

"So, readers…this epilogue was just about as crazy as our lives have been. A roller coaster ride of crazy, random events, followed up by lots of killing, sex, and absurdities!" I said as I brought the beer glass to my mask and absently poured some over myself.

"Oh! Oh! And don't forget our voices!" Harley bellowed as she slammed back the shot of whiskey in front of her.

{Oh we're still here!}

%Yeah don't forget about us, we're a package deal!%

"So anyway, readers, it has been a real slice but unfor-,"I started to say and then I felt a light poke on my shoulder as I turned to see Harley staring off behind me.

"Um, Snickerdoodle…there's a big, muscley, hairy guy standin' behind ya, and he looks puh-issed," she said and I turned around to look, well, whatta ya know!

"Wolvie!" I yelled as I held out my arms to him as if getting ready to give a hug. He wasn't having it as he stepped into my face and raised his fist under my chin, those naughty claws starting to come out to play.

"Selina told me…you two could have _saved_ her?" he asked and my eyebrows shot the ceiling with a bit of nervous laughter.

"Yeah…about that…," I started to say and THAT is where this story ends folks! Why was Wolverine referring to Selina, and why was he SO incredibly pissed that we didn't save her? Tune into the next installment of this series and find out for your fucking selves, I am DONE explaining everything to you.


End file.
